To Eleanora on Your 3rd Birthday

Dear Eleanora,

You are such a shining beam of light in our lives. I can't possibly quantify all of the times you have made me laugh or smile or feel excited, but it is often enough that when I think of you, I think of pure joy.


You are your own person, but you love to be around other people. You thrive when you're around those close to you, and you are energized by social interactions. You are excited to meet up with friends or family members, and you like children of all ages. You love babies and pretend with them at home a lot, but I think you like big kids even better, and you see yourself as one of them.

You started your second year of preschool this year at the Montessori school, and you are the youngest in a mixed-age class of 18. Evie didn't start the year with you there, so you were on your own. Although you had some tears in the beginning, you had smiles every time I picked you up, and it wasn't long before you were excitedly telling me about all your friends at school on the way home. Your teachers love you, and because they also knew Evie, they comment frequently on how different the two of you are. Evie was very independent, and you are a social butterfly. You're the yin to her yang.

Even during quiet times, you prefer to be right next to me or Papa, lying close to us and making silly jokes or studying our faces or poking our bodies. Sometimes this is hard for us because we consider ourselves introverts and have a strong need for solitary time, but you continually ensnare us with your charm and tenderness, and those moments end up becoming more than manageable. We are technically still nursing (just to bed), but we have given up overnight and nap time "milkies," and you usually don't nap anymore unless you fall asleep on the drive to pick up sissy from school. You don't like to admit being tired, and many times you will fall asleep mid-sentence or mid-bite if you're eating! You still, however, wake up in the middle of the night and come in to our bed. At one point, this bothered me because I had a hard time sleeping with you in the bed, but I don't mind it so much anymore, and I know you won't always do it. You are warm and cuddly in our bed, and I can't think of anything sweeter for someone who has a need to be around people for security.

You have a way with words that keeps us entertained. You have an adorable little two-year-old speech pattern where you say "r's" like "w's" and "llellow" instead of "yellow," and you are happy to just approximate the sound of words, rather than worrying about their details. But this past year, you have expanded your speech and vocabulary immensely, and you are now an avid storyteller. You tell stories about what happened at school or at different celebrations, you talk about how things should be in the world, and you make up your own creative stories that are so involved that I sometimes have a hard time following along. You mix reality with fantasy, and you've learned a little about teasing and playing games with words, and you love to play the "no" game with Grandpa (which means that you say "no" to anything he asks you, and you think it's hilarious). You say silly words and make silly faces that make us crack up all the time. You love to laugh.

There are some things that are less than joyful, though, like your strong will and commitment to resistance. We have had to adapt our parenting strategies with you because things that worked with Evie do not work with you. You can yell and scream and physically resist like no other. You use your loud voice in public without a second thought, and I have learned that there is no talking you through it or using calming strategies in those moments; I simply pick you up and walk outside until you calm down. This can happen because you don't want to put shoes on, or because you want a certain food, or any number of things that seem little, but are usually a symptom of being tired and resisting that feeling for so long. Although these challenges are typical of being in the "terrible twos," I'm not sure what it will mean for the future. Picking you up won't always be an option. Will you grow out of this? Or will it show up in a different way later on? Either way, we'll be ready to do our best to understand you and guide you the best way we can.

Snacks. Snacks, snacks, and more snacks. This is your favorite word lately. You say it as soon as you wake up, as soon as we get in the car, when you don't go to bed right away, and at all points in between. You want many snacks per day. I bring a bag of 3 or 4 snacks in the car when we pick up sissy from school, and as soon as you have one, you immediately say, "what do you have next, Mama?". I've learned that you don't really want all the snacks, you just like the options and have, unfortunately, learned that snacks are a distraction for other feelings, like being tired or not having something to do. I'm trying hard to limit your snacks, but you actually do a pretty good job of eating meals in addition to your snacks, so it's not too much of a problem. You also love sugar. We call you Buddy the Elf sometimes because you love maple syrup and honey on anything. Oatmeal, yogurt, honey tea...you even asked for maple syrup on your cheese toast one time (and you ate some). You love fruit and can eat several apples, bananas, or oranges a day. You do pretty well with the rest of the foods, too, but snacks, fruits, and cheese top your list.

Finally, I want to make sure you understand what an amazing sister you are to Evie. Evie has always been pretty independent, and can be just fine doing things on her own, but you have added a spark to her life in a way that nobody else could. The two of you have so much fun playing together, running around the house, pretending to play teacher and dance class or mommy and baby, or making creations out of any number of materials. It doesn't always last, and there are many bouts of fighting and bickering, but we are so grateful for the bond you have together, and for the energy you bring to her play. You are the younger sister, but you rarely see yourself that way; in your eyes, you're just an equal playmate who can contribute just as much fun, and I love that about you.


You make our hearts swell with happiness every day. You have been asking for "huggies" a lot lately - when you're tired, when we've gotten upset with each other, or just because you want affection. I love these sweet, warm embraces, and I try to freeze time for just a moment when you're sitting on my lap giving me a whole body hug. You mean your hugs, and we can feel it. They are the best gift in the world. Happy birthday, our sweet girl!

Productive

Evie having her "fizzy drink" for New Year's.

This is the word I blurted out when we were describing how we thought our new year would be. I'm not sure what drove me to commit to such a goal except that I knew I had a lot to accomplish this year. This is the year that I finish my coursework and move on to taking my qualifying exams over the summer, and then finally start doing my research in the fall. These steps have been a long time in coming (almost 5 years, to be exact). It is also the year that we decide what school Evie will go to for kindergarten, and a year that Eleanora will continue to grow out of the baby stage, as much as we all love her in that stage.

Eleanora wasn't too sure about it.

When I sat down in the late fall to register for my very last class, Advanced Quantitative Methods (statistics, basically), I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something wouldn't go right. This was probably because there have been several process-related things that didn't go quite right in my graduate program since I started. Some of them have just been misunderstandings on my part and some have been other people's fault. The system wouldn't let me register and said I needed a permit. Okay, no problem. I shot the professor an email stating that I am a PhD student ready to take my last class, and this is it. He said that I needed to have taken the Master's level Quantitative Methods class, which I did not, because the handbook does not say this is a requirement (although it does say it is recommended). I knew of other students who didn't take the MA level class, and I figured I would just suck it up and let it be a really hard class. I was on a timeline, and if I had to wait another year to take the Advanced class, which is what he was suggesting, it would have pushed all my research and graduation plans back by a year, too. So it became a big mess (including a meeting with the professor at which I almost cried), and my advisor and the graduate director were all involved, but it ultimately came down to the professor allowing me to take the class, with my full knowledge that I was not adequately prepared and might fail. Okay. That was better than the alternative, which made me want to quit the program entirely.

So I dug in hard to learn the prerequisite skills. I bought the book that the class would use (which also had more basic lessons) and signed up for a free online class on beginning statistics, and I even tried to hire a tutor, although that did not work out. All of this learning took place over the 3-4 weeks of winter break. I threw my dreams of a relaxing Christmas break out the window and forced myself through the lessons. At first, it wasn't very hard, but as it became increasingly more complex, I became increasingly nervous. And as the first class rolled around in January, I had a huge knot in my stomach and wanted to throw up when I thought about the class. On top of not being as prepared as the other students surely were, I was positive that the professor was going to call me out every chance he got because I was taking a shortcut and didn't listen to his advice. However, as the class went on, I realized everyone was nervous and felt equally unprepared, even though most of the students had him just the previous semester for the MA level class. I even felt like I had a slight advantage in some ways because I had so thoroughly and diligently studied the material and did all the extra online exercises. I remember the professor joking in class that the only student to have gotten an A+ in the class took the prerequisite class with him. In the back of my mind, I thought, "challenge accepted." And so far, I have gotten full points for every assignment. After a few classes, the professor told me my work was "like gold" and I'm pretty sure I was beaming for the rest of the week. Although I haven't finished yet (3 more classes!) and I may not get that A+, I know I will pass, and then my coursework will be done. Just for fun, I've included an example of one of the outputs from a principle component analysis I did. Doesn't it look nice? That's my favorite part - making data look good. Just don't ask me what it means. (Just kidding. I know, but it will probably take me several pages to explain, so I won't bore you with that).

Table 3. Rotated Component Matrix.
	Component
	1	2	3	4	5
Hours Per Week Respondent Spends Caring for Family	.915			-.189
Hours Per Week Spouse Spends Caring for Family	.885				-.147
Age of Respondent	-.747		.11	-.178	-.166
Family Income		.902		-.188	.167
Respondent Income		.857	-.139	.339
Hours Per Week Respondent Spends on Household Work			.82
Number of Children	-.152	-.212	.626
Number of Hours Respondent Worked Last Week			-.109	.883
Hours Per Week Spouse Spends on Household Work			.559	.624
Number of Hours Spouse Worked Last Week		.144			.973

I have also finalized my dissertation committee (the faculty that will help me through the research and dissertation process), and I've finished my research proposal. My project will be an examination of what it means to be a good parent from an institutional or "expert" lens. I will be working with an organization that has several different parenting programs for babies and pre-school children. I will meet with the committee in a couple of weeks to get their feedback on my proposal and discuss my qualifying exam questions. I will have to write three different 25-page papers answering questions related to my research and finish within 10 weeks. So guess what I'll be spending my summer doing? Yep. 

Oh, and did I mention I got a part-time job? I am officially a Researcher, not just through graduate school, but as work, too. I work for an institute associated with USF called the Family Mental Health Institute, and specifically for the Child and Family Studies department. I am doing qualitative research analysis, which means that I look at data like interview transcripts and code them for themes using special software. Our team then uses the output from that software (with data organized by themes) to write a report. So it's sort of like taking words, chopping them up, and then reorienting them to make sense based on the themes we're looking at. Right now we're working on a welfare project in Utah. There is a new effort in many states to try to keep children in the home and load the families up with services (for lower risk cases), rather than removing them and placing them in foster care because it is not a very effective system. Of course, you can imagine the controversy some people feel over the risk this entails, and that is part of the reason we're doing this evaluation. It is only 10 hours per week, at my request (they originally asked for 20), and I can do it mostly from home. They even hooked me up with a 30-pound laptop that looks like it's from 1999. Although it's been a little tricky figuring out our flow at home with this new job, I mostly do it when the girls are in school (now they both go five half days per week). I was starting to feel like I was ready for a little more work, and when this opportunity came along (from a fall classmate who also works there), I thought it might just be perfect. This was one of the specific places I imagined possibly working after I finish my program. Although right now the position is not much more than a kind of graduate assistant position in terms of pay and responsibilities, I plan on wowing them with my ability so that they'll want to hire me in a permanent, higher level position when I'm done.

Evie at her birthday ceremony at school.

Being celebrated by her friends!

But enough about me, let's talk about Evie! She is such a glowing light of generosity and curiosity right now. She's doing really well in school and seems so engaged and enjoys playing and being with her friends. This makes it so much harder to face the fact that she will almost definitely be going to a different school next year for Kindergarten. We would really like to believe that our kids can get a quality education without attending private school long term. We went through a sort of ridiculous process of researching school options and doing school tours over the fall and winter, and we selected three public schools to apply to, all based on a random lottery system. She is also zoned for an "A" school, but we wanted to see if we could find something that matched a little more with the kind of Montessori approach they've been receiving so far, and that wasn't as limited as traditional schools. One school we applied to was an IB school that has a specific inquiry-based learning approach, and is also known for being rigorous, but we did not make the lottery there. Another is a nature-based charter school on a big wooded campus, although the buildings are humble. This one is called Learning Gate, and it is based on the concept of learning through and in interaction with one's environment. They have huge food gardens that the children work in as their specials, and they do a lot of outdoor playing and working. I was most excited about this one, but it was the first I visited, so I need to go back and ask more questions about the academic components because I've heard some people say that the outdoor experiences came at the expense of academic engagement. We're also not officially accepted yet; we found out in March that Evie was #8 on the waitlist, but it seems that it's very possible for 8 families to change their minds or move before school starts next year. We will visit again in June, hopefully. The last one is called Trinity School for Children, and it is also a charter school (not religious). It is based on the Bank Street School in New York, and from what they tell me, it is similar in philosophy to Montessori but has more teacher guidance. Evie did make the lottery there, and at this moment, she is doing her "observation day," where she goes and spends half a day there in a kindergarten classroom to interact with them, but also to have teachers and the guidance counselor do assessments so they can figure out the best placement for her (apparently they do this every year for all students). They have differentiated classrooms, so they say this helps keep students engaged at the right level and in the right atmosphere. It is not close, though, nor is Learning Gate. We'd have to count on making a 45 minute drive (because of traffic) every morning and picking up every day because there is no bus. I stayed and grilled the administrator for about 30 minutes with my questions, but I still could not get a "feel" for what I thought. I do know three other parents who send their kids there, and they have good things to say about it. I know that whatever choice we make, she'll be in a good school and because she's academically inclined, she'll probably do well anywhere. But because she has such a flame for learning right now, I think I'm nervous that the "wrong" teacher or school or environment will extinguishing that flame, and that would break my heart.

Looking quite grown up.

As for Eleanora, she is also doing really well. Several people have commented lately about how she looks more like a little girl now and is loosing some of her baby chub. I agree, and it's sad, of course, but exciting to watch her grow. She and Evie are very close now, and I'm a little concerned about how different their schedules will be next year. They pretty much won't see each other in the mornings, although we'll still all have the afternoons together. It will probably be good for Eleanora to be on her own in the Montessori school, but it was really nice having them in the same place. She walks right next door to Evie's classroom sometimes to show off her artwork. And I think it's just a comfort knowing Evie is there, even though she loves her own class. Even though they're two and a half years apart, they'll be three school years apart because of when their birthdays fall. So Eleanora won't be joining Evie in her elementary school for three whole years! That makes me sad, but on the other hand, I'll have some one-on-one time again with Eleanora each day since there will be a couple hours between when she finishes school and when Evie does. And it will be good for Eleanora to develop some of her identity without Evie (right?).

Eleanora's First Day of Dance Class.

Also, she has started a very short-term dance class at the same place Evie dances at, and she loves it! There was an opportunity to do just a six-week class (rather than a whole school year), and I figured it was a good time to try it. I wasn't sure she was ready in the fall, but she's been watching Evie go for over a year now and is very comfortable there. On the first day she walked right back with her teacher, who she had never met, and was pretty much all smiles the whole time. I didn't exactly think she would cry, but she's sort of unpredictable, and when she doesn't want to do something, she is completely adamant about it. Take the dentist's office, for example. We just went for her cleaning, along with Evie, who thinks going to the dentist is a super special treat. Although it was her first cleaning, it was not her first experience, unfortunately, as she had to have a front tooth pulled after getting an abscess from a nasty fall (face first on the concrete). She did really well for that procedure, but it may not have left the best impression on her. For her cleaning appointment, despite having an awesome hygienist who had her cracking up about having "buggy poo poos" on her teeth (she figured out Eleanora's language), she wouldn't open her mouth for anything. We tried for 30 minutes. And although I've spent the last 5 years consciously avoiding bribes with my children, I offered more bribes in that 30 minutes than in either child's entire life. Chocolate, nail polish, watching Peppa Pig, toys. And it wasn't even justified. She did somehow manage to let the dentist do a quick exam and "count her princess teeth," but we had to reschedule for a cleaning. [insert frowny, exasperated, rolling eyes emoticon]

Evie was this happy the whole time at the visit!

We thought we'd lucked out when we found Wizard of Oz dolls at the office (her favorite!) but she still wouldn't budge.

Watching the girls play and laugh together is the highlight of mine and Gabe's days. That doesn't mean that they don't bicker and fight (or that it's not really irritating), but they have definitely become better able to communicate with each other over the past several months, and their favorite thing to do is laugh together. Evie has also discovered that she often has a willing partner to have a little control over, and Eleanora is usually willing because it means she's doing things just like Evie. So Evie usually leads the way in their antics, but Eleanora spices things up. Take their new propensity to come up with "jokes" lately. They are all about knock-knock jokes (even though they don't *quite* get them), and they'll spend entire car trips trying to make them up. Evie tries to make sense out of hers, but Eleanora's usually end in silly words that don't make any sense, and we all crack up anyways. They also heartily enjoy jokes that involve pee pee and poo poo, much to my dismay. A current favorite is to whisper, "I pee pee on your head!" That's the joke. Get it? I won't lie - I laughed pretty hard the first few times I heard it. Despite their complete silliness, they can also be tender toward each other and show concern. They want each other to be happy, and they're starting to try to comfort each other if one gets hurt (although they're also perfectly happy to look the other way a lot of times). This is where productivity doesn't matter so much. Yes, I have a lot to accomplish this year, but I haven't lost sight of making sure our relationships are in tact. I'm hoping that we can keep a steady pace with school, work, dance classes, etc. so that we also have time to just do nothing but bask in the glory of responsibility-free afternoons. As much as I like to plan things out and have accomplishments, I'm growing more protective of the time we have together with nothing to do. I know this time can get swallowed up all too easily, so I will do my best to lay low and just be.

Firsts

The past couple of weeks have held numerous turning points for the girls. It has been a time of firsts in many regards.

Evie and Eleanora are both going to their Montessori school together now. Evie is in pre-k and going 5 mornings a week (she was previously only going 3). I was worried that she wouldn't want to go that often and that it would take away too much from her beloved free time at home, but leading up to the start of school she was expressing her excitement about starting pre-k, and even tells everyone about how she'll be in kindergarten after that, and then first grade! On our way into school on her first day, she went up to everyone and told them it was her first day of pre-k. The funny thing is, because of the Montessori classroom, nothing is really changing for her. She has the same teachers because they're in that classroom from ages 3-6. Also, nothing is really changing in terms of what she does on a daily basis besides being there more time. Whatever the milestones are for pre-k (which I'm told are very basic), she will have easily covered them through the normal program.

The sign says it all.

But it is clear that it feels good to her to be in a new category - a bigger and more significant one than before. She is ready to grow up in some ways. She also decided that she would start taking showers now. Her babysitter casually joked that she would need a shower after getting dirty playing outside one day, and it was like a lightbulb went of in her head and she realized she actually could take a shower, and because she's such a big girl now, she would do it every night. So most nights the past week or so, she has done this while Eleanora takes a bath. She is so proud of herself for doing it all by herself. She doesn't want me to help, and when I see her after she's done, she is giddy over the fact that she just accomplished such grown up tasks. Granted, her hair is usually dripping wet, she has way too much lotion on, and she grunted and squealed in frustration trying to figure everything out, but she has otherwise owned this process, and I'm both proud and teary about her newfound independence.


In this burst of firsts, I suppose we thought we'd add one more to the mix. We finally decided to get Evie a pedal bike. She's been using a balance bike without pedals since she was two, and she's gotten very good at it. The theory with balance bikes is that it allows them to be independent by being able to push with their feet on the ground, but since there are no training wheels, it helps them learn balance better, and they should be able to transition to a pedal bike without training wheels more easily. We went to a bike shop and picked out a used 16" bike that was only around $50. There were about 3-4 of the same kind there, and this one was missing a basket and may have been a bit more scuffed up, but we didn't care. Evie requested a pink bike, and I would have cringed except for the fact that this was the only choice. Apparently, all girls' bikes are pink. Still. In 2015. At any rate, she tried it out and had it fitted, and when we told her we'd get new grips and streamers and a basket, she picked out mixed colors for all those things, so I was happy about that. (Meanwhile, Eleanora fell in love with a giant tricycle that she rode around the store, and now she won't touch the balance bike at home which is supposed to be her "new" bike). We walked out with a bike, a bell, and an adorable unicorn helmet for Eleanora, which she didn't need.

They were both pretty excited about it!

I was prepared for grueling sessions of teaching Evie to ride. On the first afternoon that Gabe tried to teach her, he really didn't want to let go because he was sure she would lose control and fall. When he did let go for a couple seconds and she was fine, I felt better about it. But it was a super short session because of the heat. I decided to try a couple days later, and I knew exactly what he meant about not wanting to let go. But I decided she was just going to have to fall a lot, and we'd both have to be okay with that. After a couple tries of running alongside her and barely letting go, I decided to completely let go, and when I did, she pedaled 3 or 4 times all alone. She was doing it! And being the careful, hesitant person she is, she steered into the grass and put her feet down to fall. As fearful as we are to let go, she is just as afraid to go on her own. (I think we can all see how this is about more than riding a bike.) So after watching her fall so carefully so many times, I've let go of my fear of her being really hurt. She gets better every time we try.

As for Eleanora, this was her first time in real preschool. She did the summer program, which was a wonderful step into the water, but it was more arts and crafts oriented, and more laid back. Even though she was in a Montessori environment over the summer, the whole philosophy wasn't as incorporated into the camp. So this just feels more official and more purposeful. She has three teachers (two of which Evie had), and one of them was from her summer camp, so she is walking in to a familiar face. She seems to really like her main teacher, and has said her name and smiled, so that's a good sign. She did cry when I left the first few days, but there are also several other toddlers who had their first week and cried quite a bit, so I think she was affected by that. I went back in the middle of the morning to check on her one day, and the class was just walking in from playing outside. As I watched them come in through the one way window, I heard a cacophony of cries and wails. It was so sad, but I also started laughing because it was so pathetic. Of course, she was among the loud criers. But I watched a little more, and she was responsive to the teachers and didn't seem exactly miserable as much as protesting and making herself heard. They settled in and started a song and dance during circle time. All I needed was to see her settled down and trying to dance (with quite a serious face) while holding the teacher's hand with one hand and pushing away the advances of a more enthusiastic dancer with the other. I left on that note and came back after lunch. When I picked her up and asked her about her day, she gave me a great big smile and then stuffed her face with food that she hadn't finished from lunch. Like mother, like daughter.

It was HU-MID. My lens fogged up.

I don't know that I can say it's going "great," but I think that rarely happens for first-timers. She is going 3 days per week, which I think is all she needs right now. She still cries or whimpers at least at some point on most days. And it is a little confusing when some days we just drop Evie off and some days they both go. We haven't gotten into enough of a rhythm for her to know how it's going to feel long term. But as long as she talks about school enthusiastically sometimes and doesn't cry about going or anything, then I think she's fine. And I know she'll love it soon enough. I have full confidence in the school and teachers, so that goes a long way in helping me overcome any anxiety. I still struggle with feeling guilty that we don't absolutely have to have her go, but I feel pretty strongly that it's important for a lot of reasons, and I also really need that time to study and do occasional work projects. If I try to cram everything into the evenings, then I just hate life, and stress consumes me. That's not good for anyone.

Eleanora has also had other important firsts. Over the summer we thought we'd introduce the potty to her and slowly let her get acquainted with it on her own time. Well as soon as she learned she could do it on her own, she wanted to go every 5 minutes. We never wanted to tell her no for this, so there were some days where I felt like I spent hours with her just going with her to the potty, helping her with her diaper and clothes, sitting with her, teaching her how to pat dry, washing hands (okay, that one fell off the list early on), and putting everything back together again. I decided to just use the cloth training pants we had from Evie while we were at home because she couldn't get her own diapers on and off. She eventually got good at actually going before she needed to (which I expected to happen later). She has had several pee accidents, of course, but no bowel movements outside the toilet since we started no diapers (and she goes regularly). The school was happy to work with us on this, and she seems to go when she needs to for the most part. Some things are a little more tricky, though, like long trips or public bathrooms. She doesn't cooperate as much as Evie did if we ask her to go before we leave and she doesn't think she has to go. I've learned not to push her in certain areas when she's really resistant because it makes it worse (and I'm also afraid to mess with toileting issues because of the psychological issues related to it). So I just make sure to bring a spare pair of clothes or two everywhere. She still wears diapers at night, even though they're always dry in the morning. We're not quite ready to take the risk of having to interrupt our sleep to change bed sheets. So while we didn't really intend to do it this early, she's officially out of diapers. No going back now.

Eleanora NOT napping. It looks like she's kissing
her baby, but she's actually "doing milkies" with
her baby. Which she seems to be a bit confused
about. It is unclear who is getting milk from whom
and how the transfer is taking place.

Another milestone for her has been her complete resistance to napping. At all. It's one of those things that just happens one day. It starts out like any other day - we clean up after lunch, start the quiet time music, read a book in the girls' room, and nurse her to sleep while Evie rests. Except Eleanora doesn't fall asleep. And I have no other tools for helping her sleep because all she knows is nursing to sleep. And I try to hold her and rock her but she wants nothing to do with it. She does, however, want to pretend to sleep in her new big girl bed that we recently transformed from a crib to a toddler bed (oops). So she gets her blankey and babies and lays down, cute as can be, and announces that she's going to sleep by saying, "sweep!" And two seconds later, she says, "wake!" with a huge smile on her face. So I try to insist on quiet time and keep her in her room either resting or playing quietly, but that just hasn't worked like it did for Evie. I have spent way more energy trying than I've felt it was worth. We went past the point where I thought it might just be a phase. And now I'm not really sure what to do. I still am trying to have quiet time for everyone because Evie still needs it, and I know I need it (and I think Eleanora does, too, but she's not the type to admit it). But it usually entails me trying to enforce it for about 15 minutes and then telling Eleanora she can play quietly with Evie in the playroom while I lay on the couch. But she doesn't even let me do that. She comes over and wants to play with me. I'm getting the opposite of quiet time. I can't escape her no matter what I do. This is one of the hardest parts about staying home, that I can't get a break when I really need one. But the upside is...

She has started sleeping better at night. Another first. We have awaited this one patiently but with all our hopes and wishes combined. In fact, I'm sure I have blown away several stray eye lashes, blown out candles, and tossed coins in fountains with this very wish in mind. She is not sleeping all the way through the night. But really, we don't care. The past week, for most nights, she has stayed down from bed time until at least midnight, which is definitely preferable to waking up around 10:00pm or 10:30 as her first time (out of like 5). Her bedtime is also much easier now that she doesn't nap; she is so tired that she nurses for about 2 minutes and falls asleep, usually before 8:00pm. She still ends up in our bed for half the night, but everything just feels more restful. She even walked into our room on her own one night (usually Gabe gets her). I know a lot of people think she should be able to go to sleep on her own by now and stay asleep the whole night, but I really don't. And I've studied this a lot and grappled with it a lot. I think there are many (valid) reasons that we do this in western societies, and I think most are for the parents - the way our work lives are set up, the lack of other adults to help throughout the day, etc.  I think it would be awesome for her to soothe herself to sleep and sleep through the night, but she's not ready. Because I think security is really important at this age, I'm not willing to mess with it if we don't absolutely have to. So for now, I'm counting this as a win.

Gabe and I don't really have any firsts right now. We are trying to at least be able to go out more, though. We have Lee to thank for that. We've gone out twice recently in preparation for a night a few weeks from now when we're going to see Once the musical and we'll be out past the girls' bedtime. Neither time went all that well in terms of Eleanora having an easy time, but Lee was a trooper through and through. She was the first ever to put Eleanora to bed without nursing (obviously), so that's quite an accomplishment! I guess Lee has some firsts going on, too.

These things are all bittersweet right now. As much as we want our children to grow up and be confident in their abilities, it means less reliance on us, which can feel like less connection with us. In Eleanora's case, this is not so bad because the baby stage is so intense and demanding. This growth of hers is more freeing, I guess, but she clearly still has a lot of attachment needs. But for Evie, she really can do so much on her own, and I sometimes feel ill knowing that her time spent away from me will only increase from here. I can't imagine her being away 5 full days a week next year for kindergarten. But I won't dwell on that now. I'll soak in the time I have with her now, knowing that new transitions are always around the corner.

Summer Time

It is officially summer now, and I know this for several reasons. First, Evie is done with her school year, and we had a week off with no school for anyone, so we spent lots of good time at home and seeing friends and family and going to the Children's Museum and other places. It also means Evie has begun her beloved swim lessons, and she jumped right in and didn't miss a beat from last summer.

I am also done with classes and have started working part-time for most of the summer for the professor I had in my sociology class that I loved so much. The work has been the perfect amount (10 hours) and it is flexible, so I've been able to do it all from home. I'm helping her to edit some chapters in a book she's editing and also to prepare an application for a big grant she's applying for. 

How else do I know it's summer? Because it is so hot outside that I'm sure we're going to melt right into the asphalt of any parking lot we're in. Seriously, this is the time of year when I have to really think twice about running any errands with the girls because any trip in the car means standing in the sun, baking, while I wait for my insistent and independent one-year-old to clamor into her car seat all by herself and watch my dawdling, observant four-year-old notice every piece of grass or rock on the ground while she lazily makes her way to her car seat. All the while I'm trying to get the air on full blast while making sure neither of them run out and get hit by a car, and then I have to go back and forth to each side to help them strap and buckle in - which lately includes some kind of argument with one or the other. Nothing makes me yell more, lately, then feeling the intense heat and urgency of getting us all in and out of the car so that we don't all die of heat stroke. Okay, maybe it's mostly just me that feels it - they barely seem to notice the heat - but still.

Oh, one more way I know it's summer is because ELEANORA IS STARTING SCHOOL! Technically, it's summer camp, but it's through the same Montessori school Evie has been going to for the past three years. In fact, I'm sitting at Whole Foods right now trying to do something with myself while I wait for the school to (probably) call me to tell me to pick her up early. Yesterday was her first day, and she actually did great, but really just lasted an hour before they thought she was just pretty done, so they thought it would be best if I went to get her when she was still in a relatively good place. She did not throw up, I have to report, because that was one of my biggest fears. She has a sensitive gag reflex and often throws up after crying hard for a few minutes. So today we tried again, and she got her little lunch box (that looks more like a suitcase when she carries it) and walked with me and Evie into the school. And as soon as we opened the doors, she excitedly ran down the hall to her class. I gave her a quick kiss and then walked away, but stayed there. About 2 minutes later I heard her wailing. So I stayed and observed for a little while (there's a one-way window on the door), and she eventually got a little calmer and was crying on and off rather than continuously. So I talked with another teacher and the principal and we decided that was a good sign, and that I could leave and just trust that they would call me if they needed to. So I did. 

And now we're going to go on vacation tomorrow and will probably ruin any progress that was made, but oh well. It's summer, and it will be a little crazy, but we will have fun and try new things and spend some quality time together before we have to get serious about the fall again (when Evie will start pre-k...eek!).

End of Semester Contemplations

(Written last Wednesday)

Today was my last day of class. I've been taking a class called the Sociology of Families this semester, and I have really loved it. Since I've shifted my focus to studying parenting, there was not much in my department that was relevant this semester, so they let me take a sociology class. This was the first regular class I've had since I was first pregnant with Eleanora (last semester I did an independent study, so there were no other students and I only met with my advisor every 2 weeks or so). It was so nice to take time away every week to engage in intellectual discussion with other adults. I have really missed that. Sometimes I regret not being able to go through this PhD program at a full-time pace with a real cohort, but there are also benefits to taking it slowly while my kids are still really young. Because I only take one class at a time, I can focus all my attention on that one class and do a great job. I am also older now, so I am not as intimidated by things like speaking my voice in class or doing presentations. I have really enjoyed meeting the other students in the class, too, and I'm sad that I won't see them regularly anymore. This is what I miss about work or going to classes more frequently - the adult peer group. I do have some friends through La Leche League and through Evie's school and in the neighborhood, but it's nice to indulge in other kinds of interests besides raising children.

My sociology class.

We had our last class at our professor's house, so it was part class and part party. I love my professor because she's just really good, but also because she has continually encouraged me to pursue an academic career (something I'd previously written off). She said it's rare to find a student that writes the way I do and that it would align well with the kind of writing required for publishing academic articles (among other things). It was wonderful and unexpected to hear someone believe in me like that, and I've seriously questioned whether I might change my mind and think about becoming a professor. But I think it would just be too intensive for me, and I'm looking for something much more balanced, and preferably part-time. It's something to think about though, as I do love the research and writing aspect of grad school and would hate to spend this long getting good at it and then not be able to do it anymore.

I focused my paper for this class on intensive parenting, which is the dominant parenting ideology in the U.S. (and many other places) that says that parents, and especially mothers, have to spend a great deal of time, energy, and resources caring for and managing their children's lives in order to be a "good" parent. It's where we get the concept of helicopter parenting, or paranoid parenting from, but it also occurs on a much smaller scale, even in terms of how we engage with our children (i.e., feeling like we have to be responsible for their entertainment or working on their development skills from when they are young babies). I critique this ideology of intensive parenting and show that it's also not inclusive of many non-white, poor or working class parents, single mothers, teen mothers, and more. Many of these parents can't or choose not to do intensive parenting for various reasons, or their parenting is already intensive in many other ways (i.e., protecting their kids from violence and drugs, doing "race work," or doing all the paid work and home work on their own. At any rate, my dissertation project will probably have something to do with looking at programs that serve parents with young children (like Healthy Start) and questioning their underlying assumptions about what makes a "good" parent and how they structure their programs accordingly. Sounds exciting, right?

Picture day for Evie's dance class.

Today was also a big day because Gabe's mom has been in town for the past week and today she watched the girls for 4.5 hours while I was at class (normally Gabe works from home part day and we have a babysitter for most of the time). We'd been having a great visit with her and she spent tons of time with the girls, even watching them for short bits of time here and there, but I was a little nervous about this amount of time because Eleanora can be a big crier, and she will most likely throw up when she cries (which happened yesterday morning when I left to drop Evie off at school) and I didn't want it to be really stressful for Gabe's mom. But I'm happy to say that they all did great. I was pretty impressed with how well Eleanora adapted and it gives me hope for when she starts school over the summer (yikes!).


And finally, it was a huge day because our new niece was born! Gabe's brother, Pete, and his wife, Jess had their first baby girl, Emily Joy. We are so excited to meet her sometime soon. I have to admit, seeing pictures of the baby just after she was born in the hospital brought back so many memories. I looked at the pictures and knew just how Pete and Jess felt, and that part of having a baby is so intoxicating. Going through such a long (hard) pregnancy, experiencing the intensity of childbirth, and then feeling the euphoria of meeting a new little person you just made. It made me want to be at that point again (but not the whole pregnancy!). I realized that part of why I am starting to have baby fever is because I've spent the past 4 years working really hard to get good at taking care of babies and young children. And now that Eleanora is getting closer to 2 and things are flowing a little better, I feel like I need to keep practicing my work with babies. It feels like a loss to not have that anymore. I know there are many other skills I need to work on, and just other aspects of our lives that need attention, but it's hard to let go of that baby intoxication. Maybe it's just a hump I have to get past, and then I'll want to move forward with full clarity that our little family of 4 is just perfect.