Firsts

The past couple of weeks have held numerous turning points for the girls. It has been a time of firsts in many regards.

Evie and Eleanora are both going to their Montessori school together now. Evie is in pre-k and going 5 mornings a week (she was previously only going 3). I was worried that she wouldn't want to go that often and that it would take away too much from her beloved free time at home, but leading up to the start of school she was expressing her excitement about starting pre-k, and even tells everyone about how she'll be in kindergarten after that, and then first grade! On our way into school on her first day, she went up to everyone and told them it was her first day of pre-k. The funny thing is, because of the Montessori classroom, nothing is really changing for her. She has the same teachers because they're in that classroom from ages 3-6. Also, nothing is really changing in terms of what she does on a daily basis besides being there more time. Whatever the milestones are for pre-k (which I'm told are very basic), she will have easily covered them through the normal program.

The sign says it all.

But it is clear that it feels good to her to be in a new category - a bigger and more significant one than before. She is ready to grow up in some ways. She also decided that she would start taking showers now. Her babysitter casually joked that she would need a shower after getting dirty playing outside one day, and it was like a lightbulb went of in her head and she realized she actually could take a shower, and because she's such a big girl now, she would do it every night. So most nights the past week or so, she has done this while Eleanora takes a bath. She is so proud of herself for doing it all by herself. She doesn't want me to help, and when I see her after she's done, she is giddy over the fact that she just accomplished such grown up tasks. Granted, her hair is usually dripping wet, she has way too much lotion on, and she grunted and squealed in frustration trying to figure everything out, but she has otherwise owned this process, and I'm both proud and teary about her newfound independence.


In this burst of firsts, I suppose we thought we'd add one more to the mix. We finally decided to get Evie a pedal bike. She's been using a balance bike without pedals since she was two, and she's gotten very good at it. The theory with balance bikes is that it allows them to be independent by being able to push with their feet on the ground, but since there are no training wheels, it helps them learn balance better, and they should be able to transition to a pedal bike without training wheels more easily. We went to a bike shop and picked out a used 16" bike that was only around $50. There were about 3-4 of the same kind there, and this one was missing a basket and may have been a bit more scuffed up, but we didn't care. Evie requested a pink bike, and I would have cringed except for the fact that this was the only choice. Apparently, all girls' bikes are pink. Still. In 2015. At any rate, she tried it out and had it fitted, and when we told her we'd get new grips and streamers and a basket, she picked out mixed colors for all those things, so I was happy about that. (Meanwhile, Eleanora fell in love with a giant tricycle that she rode around the store, and now she won't touch the balance bike at home which is supposed to be her "new" bike). We walked out with a bike, a bell, and an adorable unicorn helmet for Eleanora, which she didn't need.

They were both pretty excited about it!

I was prepared for grueling sessions of teaching Evie to ride. On the first afternoon that Gabe tried to teach her, he really didn't want to let go because he was sure she would lose control and fall. When he did let go for a couple seconds and she was fine, I felt better about it. But it was a super short session because of the heat. I decided to try a couple days later, and I knew exactly what he meant about not wanting to let go. But I decided she was just going to have to fall a lot, and we'd both have to be okay with that. After a couple tries of running alongside her and barely letting go, I decided to completely let go, and when I did, she pedaled 3 or 4 times all alone. She was doing it! And being the careful, hesitant person she is, she steered into the grass and put her feet down to fall. As fearful as we are to let go, she is just as afraid to go on her own. (I think we can all see how this is about more than riding a bike.) So after watching her fall so carefully so many times, I've let go of my fear of her being really hurt. She gets better every time we try.

As for Eleanora, this was her first time in real preschool. She did the summer program, which was a wonderful step into the water, but it was more arts and crafts oriented, and more laid back. Even though she was in a Montessori environment over the summer, the whole philosophy wasn't as incorporated into the camp. So this just feels more official and more purposeful. She has three teachers (two of which Evie had), and one of them was from her summer camp, so she is walking in to a familiar face. She seems to really like her main teacher, and has said her name and smiled, so that's a good sign. She did cry when I left the first few days, but there are also several other toddlers who had their first week and cried quite a bit, so I think she was affected by that. I went back in the middle of the morning to check on her one day, and the class was just walking in from playing outside. As I watched them come in through the one way window, I heard a cacophony of cries and wails. It was so sad, but I also started laughing because it was so pathetic. Of course, she was among the loud criers. But I watched a little more, and she was responsive to the teachers and didn't seem exactly miserable as much as protesting and making herself heard. They settled in and started a song and dance during circle time. All I needed was to see her settled down and trying to dance (with quite a serious face) while holding the teacher's hand with one hand and pushing away the advances of a more enthusiastic dancer with the other. I left on that note and came back after lunch. When I picked her up and asked her about her day, she gave me a great big smile and then stuffed her face with food that she hadn't finished from lunch. Like mother, like daughter.

It was HU-MID. My lens fogged up.

I don't know that I can say it's going "great," but I think that rarely happens for first-timers. She is going 3 days per week, which I think is all she needs right now. She still cries or whimpers at least at some point on most days. And it is a little confusing when some days we just drop Evie off and some days they both go. We haven't gotten into enough of a rhythm for her to know how it's going to feel long term. But as long as she talks about school enthusiastically sometimes and doesn't cry about going or anything, then I think she's fine. And I know she'll love it soon enough. I have full confidence in the school and teachers, so that goes a long way in helping me overcome any anxiety. I still struggle with feeling guilty that we don't absolutely have to have her go, but I feel pretty strongly that it's important for a lot of reasons, and I also really need that time to study and do occasional work projects. If I try to cram everything into the evenings, then I just hate life, and stress consumes me. That's not good for anyone.

Eleanora has also had other important firsts. Over the summer we thought we'd introduce the potty to her and slowly let her get acquainted with it on her own time. Well as soon as she learned she could do it on her own, she wanted to go every 5 minutes. We never wanted to tell her no for this, so there were some days where I felt like I spent hours with her just going with her to the potty, helping her with her diaper and clothes, sitting with her, teaching her how to pat dry, washing hands (okay, that one fell off the list early on), and putting everything back together again. I decided to just use the cloth training pants we had from Evie while we were at home because she couldn't get her own diapers on and off. She eventually got good at actually going before she needed to (which I expected to happen later). She has had several pee accidents, of course, but no bowel movements outside the toilet since we started no diapers (and she goes regularly). The school was happy to work with us on this, and she seems to go when she needs to for the most part. Some things are a little more tricky, though, like long trips or public bathrooms. She doesn't cooperate as much as Evie did if we ask her to go before we leave and she doesn't think she has to go. I've learned not to push her in certain areas when she's really resistant because it makes it worse (and I'm also afraid to mess with toileting issues because of the psychological issues related to it). So I just make sure to bring a spare pair of clothes or two everywhere. She still wears diapers at night, even though they're always dry in the morning. We're not quite ready to take the risk of having to interrupt our sleep to change bed sheets. So while we didn't really intend to do it this early, she's officially out of diapers. No going back now.

Eleanora NOT napping. It looks like she's kissing
her baby, but she's actually "doing milkies" with
her baby. Which she seems to be a bit confused
about. It is unclear who is getting milk from whom
and how the transfer is taking place.

Another milestone for her has been her complete resistance to napping. At all. It's one of those things that just happens one day. It starts out like any other day - we clean up after lunch, start the quiet time music, read a book in the girls' room, and nurse her to sleep while Evie rests. Except Eleanora doesn't fall asleep. And I have no other tools for helping her sleep because all she knows is nursing to sleep. And I try to hold her and rock her but she wants nothing to do with it. She does, however, want to pretend to sleep in her new big girl bed that we recently transformed from a crib to a toddler bed (oops). So she gets her blankey and babies and lays down, cute as can be, and announces that she's going to sleep by saying, "sweep!" And two seconds later, she says, "wake!" with a huge smile on her face. So I try to insist on quiet time and keep her in her room either resting or playing quietly, but that just hasn't worked like it did for Evie. I have spent way more energy trying than I've felt it was worth. We went past the point where I thought it might just be a phase. And now I'm not really sure what to do. I still am trying to have quiet time for everyone because Evie still needs it, and I know I need it (and I think Eleanora does, too, but she's not the type to admit it). But it usually entails me trying to enforce it for about 15 minutes and then telling Eleanora she can play quietly with Evie in the playroom while I lay on the couch. But she doesn't even let me do that. She comes over and wants to play with me. I'm getting the opposite of quiet time. I can't escape her no matter what I do. This is one of the hardest parts about staying home, that I can't get a break when I really need one. But the upside is...

She has started sleeping better at night. Another first. We have awaited this one patiently but with all our hopes and wishes combined. In fact, I'm sure I have blown away several stray eye lashes, blown out candles, and tossed coins in fountains with this very wish in mind. She is not sleeping all the way through the night. But really, we don't care. The past week, for most nights, she has stayed down from bed time until at least midnight, which is definitely preferable to waking up around 10:00pm or 10:30 as her first time (out of like 5). Her bedtime is also much easier now that she doesn't nap; she is so tired that she nurses for about 2 minutes and falls asleep, usually before 8:00pm. She still ends up in our bed for half the night, but everything just feels more restful. She even walked into our room on her own one night (usually Gabe gets her). I know a lot of people think she should be able to go to sleep on her own by now and stay asleep the whole night, but I really don't. And I've studied this a lot and grappled with it a lot. I think there are many (valid) reasons that we do this in western societies, and I think most are for the parents - the way our work lives are set up, the lack of other adults to help throughout the day, etc.  I think it would be awesome for her to soothe herself to sleep and sleep through the night, but she's not ready. Because I think security is really important at this age, I'm not willing to mess with it if we don't absolutely have to. So for now, I'm counting this as a win.

Gabe and I don't really have any firsts right now. We are trying to at least be able to go out more, though. We have Lee to thank for that. We've gone out twice recently in preparation for a night a few weeks from now when we're going to see Once the musical and we'll be out past the girls' bedtime. Neither time went all that well in terms of Eleanora having an easy time, but Lee was a trooper through and through. She was the first ever to put Eleanora to bed without nursing (obviously), so that's quite an accomplishment! I guess Lee has some firsts going on, too.

These things are all bittersweet right now. As much as we want our children to grow up and be confident in their abilities, it means less reliance on us, which can feel like less connection with us. In Eleanora's case, this is not so bad because the baby stage is so intense and demanding. This growth of hers is more freeing, I guess, but she clearly still has a lot of attachment needs. But for Evie, she really can do so much on her own, and I sometimes feel ill knowing that her time spent away from me will only increase from here. I can't imagine her being away 5 full days a week next year for kindergarten. But I won't dwell on that now. I'll soak in the time I have with her now, knowing that new transitions are always around the corner.