Productive

Evie having her "fizzy drink" for New Year's.

This is the word I blurted out when we were describing how we thought our new year would be. I'm not sure what drove me to commit to such a goal except that I knew I had a lot to accomplish this year. This is the year that I finish my coursework and move on to taking my qualifying exams over the summer, and then finally start doing my research in the fall. These steps have been a long time in coming (almost 5 years, to be exact). It is also the year that we decide what school Evie will go to for kindergarten, and a year that Eleanora will continue to grow out of the baby stage, as much as we all love her in that stage.

Eleanora wasn't too sure about it.

When I sat down in the late fall to register for my very last class, Advanced Quantitative Methods (statistics, basically), I had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something wouldn't go right. This was probably because there have been several process-related things that didn't go quite right in my graduate program since I started. Some of them have just been misunderstandings on my part and some have been other people's fault. The system wouldn't let me register and said I needed a permit. Okay, no problem. I shot the professor an email stating that I am a PhD student ready to take my last class, and this is it. He said that I needed to have taken the Master's level Quantitative Methods class, which I did not, because the handbook does not say this is a requirement (although it does say it is recommended). I knew of other students who didn't take the MA level class, and I figured I would just suck it up and let it be a really hard class. I was on a timeline, and if I had to wait another year to take the Advanced class, which is what he was suggesting, it would have pushed all my research and graduation plans back by a year, too. So it became a big mess (including a meeting with the professor at which I almost cried), and my advisor and the graduate director were all involved, but it ultimately came down to the professor allowing me to take the class, with my full knowledge that I was not adequately prepared and might fail. Okay. That was better than the alternative, which made me want to quit the program entirely.

So I dug in hard to learn the prerequisite skills. I bought the book that the class would use (which also had more basic lessons) and signed up for a free online class on beginning statistics, and I even tried to hire a tutor, although that did not work out. All of this learning took place over the 3-4 weeks of winter break. I threw my dreams of a relaxing Christmas break out the window and forced myself through the lessons. At first, it wasn't very hard, but as it became increasingly more complex, I became increasingly nervous. And as the first class rolled around in January, I had a huge knot in my stomach and wanted to throw up when I thought about the class. On top of not being as prepared as the other students surely were, I was positive that the professor was going to call me out every chance he got because I was taking a shortcut and didn't listen to his advice. However, as the class went on, I realized everyone was nervous and felt equally unprepared, even though most of the students had him just the previous semester for the MA level class. I even felt like I had a slight advantage in some ways because I had so thoroughly and diligently studied the material and did all the extra online exercises. I remember the professor joking in class that the only student to have gotten an A+ in the class took the prerequisite class with him. In the back of my mind, I thought, "challenge accepted." And so far, I have gotten full points for every assignment. After a few classes, the professor told me my work was "like gold" and I'm pretty sure I was beaming for the rest of the week. Although I haven't finished yet (3 more classes!) and I may not get that A+, I know I will pass, and then my coursework will be done. Just for fun, I've included an example of one of the outputs from a principle component analysis I did. Doesn't it look nice? That's my favorite part - making data look good. Just don't ask me what it means. (Just kidding. I know, but it will probably take me several pages to explain, so I won't bore you with that).

Table 3. Rotated Component Matrix.
	Component
	1	2	3	4	5
Hours Per Week Respondent Spends Caring for Family	.915			-.189
Hours Per Week Spouse Spends Caring for Family	.885				-.147
Age of Respondent	-.747		.11	-.178	-.166
Family Income		.902		-.188	.167
Respondent Income		.857	-.139	.339
Hours Per Week Respondent Spends on Household Work			.82
Number of Children	-.152	-.212	.626
Number of Hours Respondent Worked Last Week			-.109	.883
Hours Per Week Spouse Spends on Household Work			.559	.624
Number of Hours Spouse Worked Last Week		.144			.973

I have also finalized my dissertation committee (the faculty that will help me through the research and dissertation process), and I've finished my research proposal. My project will be an examination of what it means to be a good parent from an institutional or "expert" lens. I will be working with an organization that has several different parenting programs for babies and pre-school children. I will meet with the committee in a couple of weeks to get their feedback on my proposal and discuss my qualifying exam questions. I will have to write three different 25-page papers answering questions related to my research and finish within 10 weeks. So guess what I'll be spending my summer doing? Yep. 

Oh, and did I mention I got a part-time job? I am officially a Researcher, not just through graduate school, but as work, too. I work for an institute associated with USF called the Family Mental Health Institute, and specifically for the Child and Family Studies department. I am doing qualitative research analysis, which means that I look at data like interview transcripts and code them for themes using special software. Our team then uses the output from that software (with data organized by themes) to write a report. So it's sort of like taking words, chopping them up, and then reorienting them to make sense based on the themes we're looking at. Right now we're working on a welfare project in Utah. There is a new effort in many states to try to keep children in the home and load the families up with services (for lower risk cases), rather than removing them and placing them in foster care because it is not a very effective system. Of course, you can imagine the controversy some people feel over the risk this entails, and that is part of the reason we're doing this evaluation. It is only 10 hours per week, at my request (they originally asked for 20), and I can do it mostly from home. They even hooked me up with a 30-pound laptop that looks like it's from 1999. Although it's been a little tricky figuring out our flow at home with this new job, I mostly do it when the girls are in school (now they both go five half days per week). I was starting to feel like I was ready for a little more work, and when this opportunity came along (from a fall classmate who also works there), I thought it might just be perfect. This was one of the specific places I imagined possibly working after I finish my program. Although right now the position is not much more than a kind of graduate assistant position in terms of pay and responsibilities, I plan on wowing them with my ability so that they'll want to hire me in a permanent, higher level position when I'm done.

Evie at her birthday ceremony at school.

Being celebrated by her friends!

But enough about me, let's talk about Evie! She is such a glowing light of generosity and curiosity right now. She's doing really well in school and seems so engaged and enjoys playing and being with her friends. This makes it so much harder to face the fact that she will almost definitely be going to a different school next year for Kindergarten. We would really like to believe that our kids can get a quality education without attending private school long term. We went through a sort of ridiculous process of researching school options and doing school tours over the fall and winter, and we selected three public schools to apply to, all based on a random lottery system. She is also zoned for an "A" school, but we wanted to see if we could find something that matched a little more with the kind of Montessori approach they've been receiving so far, and that wasn't as limited as traditional schools. One school we applied to was an IB school that has a specific inquiry-based learning approach, and is also known for being rigorous, but we did not make the lottery there. Another is a nature-based charter school on a big wooded campus, although the buildings are humble. This one is called Learning Gate, and it is based on the concept of learning through and in interaction with one's environment. They have huge food gardens that the children work in as their specials, and they do a lot of outdoor playing and working. I was most excited about this one, but it was the first I visited, so I need to go back and ask more questions about the academic components because I've heard some people say that the outdoor experiences came at the expense of academic engagement. We're also not officially accepted yet; we found out in March that Evie was #8 on the waitlist, but it seems that it's very possible for 8 families to change their minds or move before school starts next year. We will visit again in June, hopefully. The last one is called Trinity School for Children, and it is also a charter school (not religious). It is based on the Bank Street School in New York, and from what they tell me, it is similar in philosophy to Montessori but has more teacher guidance. Evie did make the lottery there, and at this moment, she is doing her "observation day," where she goes and spends half a day there in a kindergarten classroom to interact with them, but also to have teachers and the guidance counselor do assessments so they can figure out the best placement for her (apparently they do this every year for all students). They have differentiated classrooms, so they say this helps keep students engaged at the right level and in the right atmosphere. It is not close, though, nor is Learning Gate. We'd have to count on making a 45 minute drive (because of traffic) every morning and picking up every day because there is no bus. I stayed and grilled the administrator for about 30 minutes with my questions, but I still could not get a "feel" for what I thought. I do know three other parents who send their kids there, and they have good things to say about it. I know that whatever choice we make, she'll be in a good school and because she's academically inclined, she'll probably do well anywhere. But because she has such a flame for learning right now, I think I'm nervous that the "wrong" teacher or school or environment will extinguishing that flame, and that would break my heart.

Looking quite grown up.

As for Eleanora, she is also doing really well. Several people have commented lately about how she looks more like a little girl now and is loosing some of her baby chub. I agree, and it's sad, of course, but exciting to watch her grow. She and Evie are very close now, and I'm a little concerned about how different their schedules will be next year. They pretty much won't see each other in the mornings, although we'll still all have the afternoons together. It will probably be good for Eleanora to be on her own in the Montessori school, but it was really nice having them in the same place. She walks right next door to Evie's classroom sometimes to show off her artwork. And I think it's just a comfort knowing Evie is there, even though she loves her own class. Even though they're two and a half years apart, they'll be three school years apart because of when their birthdays fall. So Eleanora won't be joining Evie in her elementary school for three whole years! That makes me sad, but on the other hand, I'll have some one-on-one time again with Eleanora each day since there will be a couple hours between when she finishes school and when Evie does. And it will be good for Eleanora to develop some of her identity without Evie (right?).

Eleanora's First Day of Dance Class.

Also, she has started a very short-term dance class at the same place Evie dances at, and she loves it! There was an opportunity to do just a six-week class (rather than a whole school year), and I figured it was a good time to try it. I wasn't sure she was ready in the fall, but she's been watching Evie go for over a year now and is very comfortable there. On the first day she walked right back with her teacher, who she had never met, and was pretty much all smiles the whole time. I didn't exactly think she would cry, but she's sort of unpredictable, and when she doesn't want to do something, she is completely adamant about it. Take the dentist's office, for example. We just went for her cleaning, along with Evie, who thinks going to the dentist is a super special treat. Although it was her first cleaning, it was not her first experience, unfortunately, as she had to have a front tooth pulled after getting an abscess from a nasty fall (face first on the concrete). She did really well for that procedure, but it may not have left the best impression on her. For her cleaning appointment, despite having an awesome hygienist who had her cracking up about having "buggy poo poos" on her teeth (she figured out Eleanora's language), she wouldn't open her mouth for anything. We tried for 30 minutes. And although I've spent the last 5 years consciously avoiding bribes with my children, I offered more bribes in that 30 minutes than in either child's entire life. Chocolate, nail polish, watching Peppa Pig, toys. And it wasn't even justified. She did somehow manage to let the dentist do a quick exam and "count her princess teeth," but we had to reschedule for a cleaning. [insert frowny, exasperated, rolling eyes emoticon]

Evie was this happy the whole time at the visit!

We thought we'd lucked out when we found Wizard of Oz dolls at the office (her favorite!) but she still wouldn't budge.

Watching the girls play and laugh together is the highlight of mine and Gabe's days. That doesn't mean that they don't bicker and fight (or that it's not really irritating), but they have definitely become better able to communicate with each other over the past several months, and their favorite thing to do is laugh together. Evie has also discovered that she often has a willing partner to have a little control over, and Eleanora is usually willing because it means she's doing things just like Evie. So Evie usually leads the way in their antics, but Eleanora spices things up. Take their new propensity to come up with "jokes" lately. They are all about knock-knock jokes (even though they don't *quite* get them), and they'll spend entire car trips trying to make them up. Evie tries to make sense out of hers, but Eleanora's usually end in silly words that don't make any sense, and we all crack up anyways. They also heartily enjoy jokes that involve pee pee and poo poo, much to my dismay. A current favorite is to whisper, "I pee pee on your head!" That's the joke. Get it? I won't lie - I laughed pretty hard the first few times I heard it. Despite their complete silliness, they can also be tender toward each other and show concern. They want each other to be happy, and they're starting to try to comfort each other if one gets hurt (although they're also perfectly happy to look the other way a lot of times). This is where productivity doesn't matter so much. Yes, I have a lot to accomplish this year, but I haven't lost sight of making sure our relationships are in tact. I'm hoping that we can keep a steady pace with school, work, dance classes, etc. so that we also have time to just do nothing but bask in the glory of responsibility-free afternoons. As much as I like to plan things out and have accomplishments, I'm growing more protective of the time we have together with nothing to do. I know this time can get swallowed up all too easily, so I will do my best to lay low and just be.