To Evie on Your 15th Birthday

My amazing girl, We've made it through another year. Some things seem like they more or less stay the same and we hold tight to the routines of life--from the steady expectations of the school and dance year that I can use spreadsheets to plan around; to making plans around breaks, holidays, and weekends; to waking up to welcome the day (pleasantly or begrudgingly) and closing it out (with satisfaction or unease) each night. And some things feel so different from year to year. Yes, you have school like always, but you started high school this past year which has forced us to imagine you as an adult like no other time so far. And yes, you have dance like always, but you continue advancing and getting more opportunities, and while this allows us more chances to marvel at you, it forces us to grapple with the intensity and pressure you face. And yes, you are our sweet daughter like always, but our relationship feels different and we are forced to find new ways to communicate and connect.

At the airport before your 8th grade history trip to DC.

Before and after getting your braces off!

Beautiful solo shot from Applause competition.

Looking grown up at Easter!

You take your future seriously and put a lot of thought into what you're doing now (perhaps too much sometimes) and how that will impact you later. I admit I haven't been as ready to do this as you have been, and I'm sure that has frustrated you. But at the same time, if we tried to direct these things more on your behalf, you would probably also be frustrated. This has been the trickiness of the teenage years, years which I started to think were going to be easy for us. The past year has been difficult in some ways, though I am starting to see how this is necessary growth and I hope like crazy we'll all see the benefits of the hard times in later years. You've always been pretty mild-mannered, almost to the extent that I have wished to see more of your feelings. Well I think we're seeing them more now, and it took me by surprise at first and while I never truly thought anything was "wrong," I didn't have much experience in understanding this side of you or responding well to it. My instincts--to comfort and reassure and hug it out--don't work the same now, and that's okay. You're a more complex being now and facing more pressures, and you deserve to work through that in whatever ways you need to, and for us to figure out how to respond in ways that work. Do I still long for the days when you were little and my constant companion, so trusting and agreeable to my plans and decisions? Sometimes, yes. But I also want you to stretch different parts of your identity, tap into different emotions and learn to cope with them, question what has always been, and envision new ways of being. I know this is growth, even if it makes me uncomfortable. I need to stretch too. 

Before your 8th grade dance.

Last day of 8th grade (and middle school!).

AADF banquet photobooth fun!

 One joy of your growth into adulthood is that I've found I can turn to you for advice sometimes. I can ask for your input about vacation plans, or how to understand Eleanora a little better sometimes, or what your perspectives are on social media, and you have truly good and balanced insights to offer. It's not so much that I'm passing off responsibility for these things, but I think you're ready to contribute in these ways and you are uniquely situated to offer good advice in certain areas. I hope this partnership continues to evolve. 

 You are becoming your own person in so many ways, and one is that you're very environmentally conscious. It truly bothers you that we live in a world with so much waste and toxicity. You've expressed this in many ways. You decided to try being vegan for a while, and though Papa and I had some concern about you getting enough of what you need in your diet given that you're a teenager and athlete, I felt it was important to support you through this. It made family meals a little tricky, but we tried to make sure you had vegan foods available even if our meal wasn't vegan. Right now you're back to eating meat sometimes but making vegan food on your own (breakfasts, lunches, snacks), and I try to make things for you here and there since you're time is so limited. You have even started making cashew milk (and actually using it regularly). I think you may explore food and nutrition for a while to figure out what feels right, and honestly, don't many of us do this throughout our lives? You have also taken an interest in recycling clothing and buying clothing from brands with sustainable practices. You do almost all of your clothing shopping on your own now, and you are regularly selling items on Depop, and then using the money you earn to buy new (used) items, so you manage the whole process by yourself. When you do get new clothes, you request birthday gift cards for certain brands that use sustainable packaging, etc., so you don't put too much of a financial burden on us (though I try to convince you we really are happy to buy you things here and there!). You are very conscious of spending money and have good discipline for budgeting. You have taught me about a more environmentally conscious AI app (Ecosia), which I shared with a librarian giving a guest lecture on AI tools for research in one of my classes, and he hadn't even heard of it but was interested to look into it. You've started to express interest in composting and gardening, though we'll have to see how that develops. 

Always loved by the younger cousins/friends.

First day of high school!

First homecoming dance.

You and your orchestra buddy/bff after your first high school concert.

A favorite family tradition, the Festival of Trees (matching the peppermint tree so well!)

 Of course I can always gush about your talent in dance and orchestra. You have 4 solos and a duet with Eleanora on ballet team this year and are in ensemble again, and you are in the highest level for all your competition teams (jazz, contemporary, 2 lyricals, and "open," which is really kind of jazz). I can tell you've become a dancer the studio really relies on, and you're featured in the front and center a lot more. You also have a partnering role with the only boy dancer in your level, and when I saw it in your lyrical dance for the first time I was overcome with emotion at the maturity of it. You had five roles for the Nutcracker this past winter (Maid, Snow, Spanish, Russian, and Waltz of the Flowers), and you danced beautifully for all of them! The whole family came to watch, including Lola, the Walters, and Grandma and Mr. Brian. It was such a privilege as a parent to see you in so many roles. And this was all with a recently fractured toe, which has now happened 4 times for some reason. Your poor little pinky toes keep taking a beating, but we've found a good podiatrist who understands the importance of dancing, and so far you haven't had to miss anything. You actually have a fractured pinky to as we speak (this time from closing the door over it), and you also have a competition coming up in a week, which doc said you should be fine for. I've never been a real athlete and didn't necessarily imagine raising one, but you and Eleanora keep us on our toes with mild injuries (or the potential for them). You regularly go to physical therapy and I am realizing you will always need to do this as a dancer and to do strength training and work to prevent injury. It's one of my least favorite parts of dance, but you manage it very well. 

Snowflakes in the Nutcracker.

Spanish dancer in the Nutcracker.

Waltz of Flowers dancer in the Nutcracker.

You and sissie doing your duet at the first comp this year (YAGP).

One of your favorite teachers, clearly proud of you at YAGP!

After your solo at NYCDA comp.

 You've also had some health issues that were new this year and some of which we're still figuring out. I'm confident they will stay manageable and feel very fortunate we're able to see specialists we need to, but of course it's always hard to learn of these things. It also makes for very busy schedules with some appointment or another most weeks and sometimes missing school for them. But one benefit of orchestra is that it is largely done through school, minus the concerts. You've continued to flourish on viola, and in fact it was right before your winter recital that you casually mentioned as an aside that you got promoted to first chair! I think orchestra almost comes easy for you--not that you dont' work at it--but you don't practice all that much at home and still do really well. It also gives you a community and allows you to use your brain in a way nothing else does. You mentioned not continuing next year while you were doing your schedule planning, and my heart dropped. But you decided to continue after all, and for now I'm glad, but this will ultimately be your decision. 

 I will have to try to stay open as you continue being more independent. You tell me you prefer to do more and more things on your own (waking up, meal prep, cleaning, managing screen time, staying on top of homework, etc.). Sometimes we still need to step in even though it's incredibly annoying to you. We're accepting this fact of being parents to teenagers. You also have some older friends and have started occasionally riding with one who drives (making the decision about this during an on-the-spot phone call took us by surprise). You'll be eligible for a learner's permit this year and we just don't feel ready. But life pushes us forward whether we're ready or not, so we're just going to have to hang on for the ride and do our best to cope with the difficult parts and embrace the wonderful parts. Knowing you and loving you is a wonderful part, no doubt. I am so grateful to be able to be your mom. 

 Love, Mama