Confessions of a Second Time Mom

I watch Eleanora from across the hardwood floor, stopping in the middle of her eager drag/crawl to examine something.  Before she even picks it up I know what it is.  A dust bunny.  No matter how hard I try I can't keep the floor free of them for even a day.  She picks it up with the tiny pincer grasp she's now fully mastered and looks at it quietly and then puts it in her mouth.  I don't stop her.  Again.  The first few times she did this I at least made a half-hearted attempt to get to it before she did, but once she's ready to put it in her mouth I rarely intervene.  I figure it's more safe to let her eat some occasional dust than to jam my finger in her clamped-down mouth to try to fish it out, choking her in the meantime.  Plus, she smiles at her accomplishment, and that's pretty cute.  

I've realized there are many things I'm more lax about this time around, whether because I'm more experienced, more knowledgeable, or just more lazy.  Dust bunnies, grass, paper, and old, dried food aren't so bad once you've had a toddler who may have once pooped on the floor and then eaten some.  Maybe.  It's more than just not worrying so much about what goes in her mouth, though. It's not obsessing over when she meets her developmental milestones (she didn't sit up by herself until 2 months later than Evie, but I didn't care that much).  It's letting her play and discover on her own without feeling I have to entertain her.  It's letting her get frustrated and even cry more.  I remember with Evie I actually had the goal of being so good of a mom that I would be able to prevent her from crying, ever.  Now that I'm older and wiser I see that there is a lot wrong with that, not the least of which is that it is good for babies to cry sometimes for many different reasons.

I've also done some selfish things as a second time mom that I wouldn't have dreamed of with just Evie.  I've interrupted Eleanora's morning nap (on purpose!) so that she could be on the same afternoon nap time as Evie, all so that I could also get some rest.  Even after all the times she's struggled with having good naps, I still felt it was more important for me to make sure I got rest. Yikes! And, oh well.

I'm also not so proud of the way I've handled the conflicting needs of both girls at times.  I didn't have this to contend with at all with Evie, but constantly trying to meet the needs of two small children and managing conflicting schedules is very trying.  I've yelled at Evie more than I thought I ever would (in fact, I don't think I ever yelled at her or really felt the need to until I was well into my pregnancy with Eleanora).  One of the main times I get so frustrated is when I'm trying to put Eleanora down (and it has already been a long struggle) and Evie barges in and completely wakes her up and I have to start all over or give up.  I realize it's not realistic to ask a 3-year-old to be quiet for very long or entertain themselves for over 30 minutes sometimes, so I know it's not her fault.  But I'm sure sometimes I've made it feel that way, and I always feel horrible afterwards.  Usually these problems arise because I really need some rest or a break and I get so close to getting it, and then it slips out of my fingers because of normal toddler activity which I see in the moment as the bane of my existence.  In that moment that all of my hard work is crushed, I know the rest of my day just became harder and I have no choice but to accept it; yet I still fight for control and look desperately for a scapegoat.  Poor little 3-year-old Evie.  Who just needs my attention, or is excited to show me something and for a moment forgets the rules about not interrupting us when I'm trying to put Sissy down.  I try to quickly and quietly wave her away at first which just makes her angry (of course), and then she yells or cries and since she's already making noise, I may as well, so I let out my anger and yell at her to go in the other room.  Needless to say, this ordeal doesn't end peacefully, but I somehow manage to get Eleanora back down, shed a few of my own tears in shame, and then go apologize to Evie.  

Acceptance does not always come easy to me, but I am trying to work on it and getting better.  I have accepted that Eleanora does not nap well in the mornings sometimes and that it is often better for me to drive her around for a while.  So I get my coffee and a snack and head on up Veteran's Expressway, listening to my local community radio station.  I have accepted that she will likely wake up several times per night the whole time we're breastfeeding, or at least another half year or so, so the pack n play remains in our room for the times I'm too tired to go across the house to the girls' room.  I have learned to accept that my lack of quality time with Evie will often pave the way for a tantrum later.  So as much as I can, I try to "just be" and give her my full attention while she plays multiple times per day, even when I'm dead tired in the morning or after her nap.  I don't always do a good job of this, but I've learned that it makes a world of difference.  I've learned to accept that the challenges of these early years are intense and many, but they are also temporary.  And as soon as the sleeplessness and difficulty in understanding the needs of babies and young children pass, parenting will become hard in other ways.  It's almost tempting to want to have more kids just for the sake of practicing parenting.  Almost. 

I know there will always be challenges with raising kids, but as a second-time mom, I have learned to trust that there are also times of relief and easier days.  I still love moments about our family life now, but I am also looking forward to when the girls are a little older and communicating and playing more, when we don't have so much "gear" to worry about, when we're all eating the same food, when we're on a more predictable rhythm, and when everyone is sleeping through the night.

I openly confess that I let some things slide, that I have a lot of work to do in some areas, and that I sometimes just want to skip ahead a year or so.  I still feel like I'm just trying to get through the day a lot.  But I am also so thankful that I'm able to be the one to do all of this hard work.  I know that nobody would try harder than me to figure things out when problems arise and nobody would appreciate all the sweet little moments I get to witness each day as much as me. I mean, look at them!