The "P" Word

It's happening.  The princess explosion I've been dreading since I found out I was having a girl the first time.  Since Evie was born, we have been very careful not to buy any princess-related clothes, toys, decorations, etc., although a few things have slipped in here and there from family, friends, and birthday parties.  Over the past year it seems to be less avoidable and Evie is becoming much more aware of princess culture.

Evie's first time at the movies to see Frozen.

It probably really started with the movie Frozen, which was the very first movie she saw in the theater.  Gabe had heard it was different than other Disney movies and it was about sisters, and since Eleanora had just been born we thought it would be a cute way for Evie to have a Papa-daughter date and also celebrate sisterhood.  She was in love with the movie, and so we found the "Let It Go" station on Pandora so she could sing her favorite songs from the movie.  Of course, this is really just a station all about princesses, and Evie quickly learned who each princess was by seeing their picture on her phone screen and asking about them. Then she wanted to know all about the stories of each princess and who they were associated with and exactly what they wore.  I tried to give her brief, casual answers at first, but her discussion of the princesses soon began to extend beyond our small home.  Other people began to feed her interest in the princess world simply by responding enthusiastically to her questions and telling her even more about the worlds of these princesses she was so interested in.  And because so many little girls she knows dress in princess costumes, wear princess crowns, have princess stickers, lunch boxes, shoes, underwear, jewelry, hair bows, chap stick, toys, coloring books, etc., Evie quickly learned that this princess thing is something little girls should know about and partake in. It is a way to communicate and validate each other, and even for grown-ups it is a way for them to show they take an interest in her.

So what's the big deal? What if she likes this princess stuff and participates in it? Will it damage her?  Make her spoiled?  I'm gathering that many people don't think it will have any lasting effects on little girls and that it is a phase every girl goes through.  But I do think there is a risk.  First, I have a strong background in Women's Studies, and I'll admit I gained a healthy aversion to any things proclaimed to be "girly" because of all of the convincing theories that say these kinds of toys, clothes, and ways of acting are limiting to girls and give them a narrow view of what a well-rounded, whole person can look like.  There is also substantial research linking princess and "girly"-type ideas to poor self-esteem in girls as they grow.  (Peggy Orenstein's Cinderella Ate My Daughter supports this).

Also, part of my evolving parenting philosophy is to resist the influence of marketing and consumerism on our family and to encourage creativity and simplicity.  The princess theme is one of the most infiltrating of any children's themes I've seen (if not the most), and the material items are so completely accessible and visible that you'd have to live off the grid to not notice them on almost a daily basis.  I believe, personally, that the princess world encourages entitlement and privilege, two values I am strongly against.  Not to mention the concepts of physical beauty and materialism that come along with princess culture.  When all is said and done, I can't find much that it actually do agree with in princess stories.  Why in the world can't SOME of these girls and women be regular people? 

Clearly my challenge isn't deciding how I feel about princess culture but deciding what to do about it.  Do I reject it all and keep every item and image away from the girls?  Even if I wanted to do this, I've found that it's impossible.  I also don't think this necessarily serves everyone's best interst or matches our parenting philosophy.  I don't mind the girls knowing about the princesses, watching the movies, or even playing at being princesses sometimes (although I'd rather their play also include generic or historic princesses and not always the Disney ones that are constantly forced upon us). But I want to somehow be able to convey that there are many other wonderful things in life to be excited about besides princesses.  I don't want that to be what comes to mind every time they think about toys, clothes, gifts, birthday parties, or Halloween costumes.  

When it's appropriate, I'd like to also have honest conversations about what I do think is wrong with princess culture, but I'm not sure how or when to do that. Can a 3-year-old understand privilege? Beauty standards? Sexism?  I think I've been afraid to push too much in these areas so I haven't tried much at all.  I sometimes ask Evie what she likes about the princesses but I get very vague answers, which I guess is good for now.  She has, however, picked up on he word "pretty," lately, and I blame princess culture on that (although it could just be general girl culture and the way many people talk to girls).  She wants to have a pretty dress and a pretty pretend name (when I suggest a names like Gertrude she refutes me and says it's not pretty.  I'll keep trying though).  Every time she says that word I get a quick jolt of pain and panic in my heart, as if I've already failed at guiding her away from the harmful aspects of mainstream girl culture.  At any rate, I will work to find a way to relate these concepts to Evie and Eleanora and hope that my dialogue doesn't serve to attract them to it more.

I also want to have strong boundaries around how many material items we have related to princesses.  I really do cringe every time I see a clothing item or toy with a princess on it, but I try to allow Evie to enjoy gifts people get her and to allow her a full range of discovery and choice.  For instance, we shop at a local natural store that has a kids' club in which a child can choose a gift after getting 5 stickers on their card. So the first time we got 5 stickers, the employee pointed to a basket with toys for Evie to choose from. As soon as I looked at the basket, I saw it.  The pink sparkly tiara that stood out from all of the other gender neutral, creative toys that Evie could have chosen from.  And she saw it right away, too.  She went to pick it up while I stood there forcing myself to not quickly move it out of the way so she wouldn't see it.  I had to let her choose.  She was so excited that I almost felt bad.  This is what happens; you feel like you're depriving your daughter of these things if you don't let her have them on a regular basis.  

We recently went to a play area in a different mall, and Evie and Eleanora were having a blast exploring the play structures, using their imaginations, and exercising their bodies. Then Evie saw the Disney store behind the play area and adamantly stated her desire to go there.  Forget about this new, cool play area; there are princesses in the window for God's sake!  What could be better?  So I figured it couldn't hurt to tell her that after we were done playing we would look and not get anything if she really wanted to go.  So we did that.  It was sort of like torture.  I knew that if I got anything in there it would make her so happy.  But I also knew that it would teach her to not rely on my word.  And that we can just buy things that seem appealing whenever we want.  And that marketers are justified in bombarding us with princess and other character imagery because it will fulfill a want we (should) have.  So I resisted the desire to buy something every angst-inducing second of the 5 minutes we spent in there.  And it really didn't help that the sales associate learned that it was Evie's first time in the store and offered to make a big celebration out of it (she literally said, "we have something for that," and whipped out her iPhone to get ready to set it up - a special song that plays while the child's name goes on the big movie screen in the store alongn with getting a certificate).  I politely refused the ceremony and ushered us all out.  Another close call.

So I'm on a bit of an uphill battle here, and I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better.  Gabe agrees with me for the most part, but I don't think he feels it's quite such a big deal and doesn't have the personal aversion to princess stuff that I do.  And for the record, I don't judge other parents for participating in or even encouraging princess culture.  Believe me, I'm tempted to, myself, because I see that it would be fun and bring happiness to the girls.  But I can't let go of my worry about the repercussions, and even though I might be overdoing it, I have to at least try to stick to my convictions on things like this.  

So here is what I really want.  I want to allow the girls the freedom to imaginatively explore what it might feel like to be a different person in another world, to wear flowy or shiny or sparkly things, to have adventure, even to be valued for being wealthy or pretty; but I don't want them to be stuck on a few Disney character princesses that are constantly thrust in their face and that have a few redeeming qualities but are mostly rewarded for their looks and their place in society.  I want the girls to be socially aware but also socially critical.  Maybe I'm starting too young, but doesn't all of the evidence about prevention tell us that this is when worldviews are shaped, and the longer you wait to intervene the harder it is?  I can't ignore the tremendous amount of knowledge I've gained on how harmful the effects of marketing can be to girls and women.  But I also can't prevent the girls from exposure to the princess world.  I will do my best to make conscious choices and have evolving conversations that will hopefully support our efforts to raise grounded, thoughtful, optimistic, and fulfilled daughters.