My Life In Moments

I've started about 4 different posts now that I couldn't really develop after starting, so I haven't posted in a while.  Maybe I felt like I was just complaining, or I couldn't find the lesson I wanted to relay, or I just felt uninspired.  But I can think of some poignant moments that represent my life the way it is now, so that's what this post will be. 

Moment 1.

I am at a La Leche League meeting that I go to regularly, and Evie and Eleanora are with me.  Evie wants to play with one of her friends there, but she is playing with another little girl.  Evie asks me to help her play with them, so I try.  The other little girl says "no" right away and sort of pushes Evie away. Evie decides to hang with me and Eleanora for a while, but then she goes over to try to play with the girls again.  Before I realize what's happened, she comes running over crying and shouting, "I want to go home! I want to go home!"  My heart brakes.  And so do the other mothers'.  I calmly comfort her and talk to her to see what she wants to do next.  (It was hard to tell, but I think she was 'rejected' again and maybe pushed).  The meeting ends with the other moms trying to have everyone play together because they feel bad for Evie.  I later have a phone consultation with a parenting expert on these issues and gain some more confidence on handling these situations, not projecting too much of my own feelings onto them, and having faith in Evie that she can learn to navigate them over time and manage her own feelings.  But I don't forget how it felt when she came running over to me in a panic.

Moment 2.

I pick Eleanora up from the floor and she connects with me as if her little feet and arms are made of magnets.  My heart does a little happy dance as I realize she's at the stage where she clings easily to me as I carry her on my hip.  We walk around the house while I do little one-handed chores, and she sometimes pats me on the shoulder and we occasionally look at each other and converse, with her making little sounds that are surely real words to her.  I caress her cheek, look at her big, sparkling eyes, and tell her I love her.  She smiles so easily and I can't help but smile back and kiss her soft, sweet cheek.  And nose.  And mouth.

Moment 3.

It is 1am.  Or 10:45pm, or 12:30am, or 3:16am, or 4:27am.  It doesn't matter, all these moments feel the same.  Eleanora is awake again.  I lay in bed with that awful heavy feeling of being roused from a deep(ish) sleep. Gabe gets a head start going to the girls' room to change her while I stay in bed just a few more seconds.  Eleanora cries through her whole diaper change (only over night for some reason).  But Evie doesn't wake up, thankfully.  After she's changed, I nurse her and lay her back down.  She doesn't want to go down easily, so I pick her back up and pat her a little more and put her down again.  She doesn't cry right away, but she requires more settling, so I pat her back until she is content to wrestle around by herself a little more before falling asleep.  I tip toe out of the room and pray that she doesn't wake up from the slight noise the door makes opening and closing.  This time I am safe, and I throw myself back in bed and hope to fall asleep soon.  I feel a bit of dread and disappointment that this is still happening, that she wakes up 3-4 times a night lately and doesn't nap easily during the day.  I tell myself I can't keep going like this, but then realize I have no choice for now.  Sleep eventually takes over my silent rants.

Moment 3.

I am running.  Or jogging, really.  It has taken me over 6 months to really feel ready to do this, but I can tell it's right.  I'm using the jogging stroller Catie lent us and thinking that this could really work out.  I can finally get real and regular exercise in and not have to sacrifice what little alone or down time I have.  Eleanora seems happy and is exploring the details of her new ride wherever she can poke her little fingers.  She realizes she can look back and see me and grins.  It is hot, but we stay under the shade of the trees for most of the time, and it is definitely doable.  My body is finally connecting all its parts again and feeling stronger.  I'm doing it, and I will do it again.

Moment 4.

I am standing under the cover of our friend's porch with Eleanora, who is sleeping in the stroller.  The sound of the summer rain storm and the breeze from it are wonderful.  I spent the last couple of hours in the pool with both girls, catching up with friends and family, and eating lobster.  Amidst all of the excitement, Eleanora can't find it in her to get sleepy enough to nap, so I take her on a quick walk just before the storm comes, and it is just enough to get her to sleep.  A 6pm nap is not ideal, but it is fine for today.  I feel relaxed seeing all my family fulfilled by love and friendship and I truly feel okay with our routine being so off. We always manage to get what we need by the end of the day, and I'm still learning to trust that.

There are countless more moments of so many days - seeing Eleanora get her second tooth, watching her form an inward wave with her hand and put it together with a rough "bye-bye," being taken by surprise by Evie trying to read words, and being thankful that Evie is not too old to cuddle with me still.  Life seems to be moving faster than it used to, and I am so grateful that I'm able to soak in all these moments.