State of the Family

Yikes!  I realize I started to write a post after Thanksgiving and never finished...oops.  I won't be detailing quite as much as I had planned, so I'll do what works best and write about how everyone in our little family is doing.

Let's start with Evie.  We had such an eventful holiday season this past year, and she is at an age where she can enjoy it even more than she ever has in her short little life.  Gabe's mom came to stay with us for a while around Thanksgiving, and Evie loves having visitors stay with us.  It means a constant companion for her, and someone with whom to play and talk when we're either busy with Eleanora or trying to do household chores.  In addition to having Lola stay for a couple weeks, we hosted Thanksgiving, which meant a whole house full of people!  I'll admit, it was a little crazy to host this year since we had just had a baby, but in some ways it was also easier since Eleanora was more used to our surroundings than anywhere else.  I think we were also still riding on a high from having a new baby and starting off the holiday season with a new family; we wanted to invite others to share in our joy.

At any rate, Evie was so excited to be around so many friends and family.  More than ever now, she inserts family and friends into her imaginary play, and it's so cute to watch and listen to.  She was also so excited about the seasonal decorations.  There were scant fall decorations in our neighborhood, but as soon as December came, the lights and blow-up Christmas figures started going up all around us.  We reinstated stroller walks - partly because I wanted to walk Eleanora around - but also to have Evie see all the different decorations.  She loved pointing out the poinsettias everywhere once Grandpa showed her some; she was a little sad to see that so many of the blow up figures were "broken" during the day, but eventually understood they came alive at night; she also would point out the nativity scenes and name baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the "three men-wise" (which sounds an awful lot like midwives when she says it).   But her very favorite this year was driving around at night to see the lights all lit up.  This was the first time we did this with her as a special treat.  The first time we just went around our neighborhood, and at every house she would squeal with excitement and search for more lights and say, "look it Mama! look it Papa!" louder and louder.  We couldn't believe how excited she was, but it was so heart-warming.  (Poor Eleanora, in the meantime, was crying the whole time, so it was a short trip).

We also made cookies to decorate with Tita Lee, listened to holiday music all the time, did special winter and Christmas artwork at home, read holiday books ("Rordocoy," otherwise known as Corduroy, was her favorite), got her some holiday jammies, and let her wear her Hello Kitty Christmas shirt that Grandma got her quite often (sometimes 2 days in a row - don't tell!).  Of course, the gift-getting was another favorite.  We received several packages from out of state family to keep under the tree, and she actually did a good job of not opening them until it was time.  Since we were spending Christmas in Orlando with my family, we opened those gifts a little early, and she had a blast!  (We only got her one gift since I knew she'd get so many others - a toy I had read about called Magformers, and we've all been really pleased with them).  We continued the festivities at my Mom's house where Evie got to spend time with her cousins, grandpa, and eventually both of my sisters and their families/significant others and my aunts and uncle.  She enjoyed everyone so much, and even though Eleanora received a lot of attention for being a new addition (and a cute baby), Evie still got so much attention.

When we came home, it was only a little disappointing to be done with Christmas.  Gabe was still home until New Year's (fortunately!), and we tried to celebrate New Year's by getting books about it, trying to communicate the concept, and going to the Children's Museum's Noon Year's Eve party where we met up with my friend and her kids.  Evie got to see a balloon drop and kiss her Papa at the stroke of noon.  Oh, and since we hear lots of fireworks in our neighborhood starting at about, oh, 10pm, Evie was waking on and off and Gabe took her outside to see them.  She loved them!  Gabe and I did absolutely nothing at midnight but sleep.

Evie's transition back to normal life and school has been a little rough - she had a couple mornings when she didn't want to leave me and cried (which she never really does), so that was a little heartbreaking.  But after this week she seems to have adjusted.  She still wants more time with me than I'm able to give because of Eleanora - that other child that needs a little care now and then.  But she has started asking for snuggles after we start having not-so-great feelings toward one another and she becomes defiant or I become impatient.  I'm grateful that she finds comfort in that, because I do, too.  She is growing up fast, and her language is always amazing to me.  She really mimics what we say and do, and it's so funny to see her act so adult sometimes.  Many times we'll ask a question, and if she doesn't know the answer, she give a genuine and contemplative, "hmm..." and think for a few seconds, and ask us back with a furrowed eyebrow and concerned tone in her voice.  (I'm sitting here watching her and Tita Lee play.  Evie is holding her "Ellie" the elephant doll under her shirt and pretending to breastfeed her coconut milk and also hold a cup underneath to pump the milk.  And then Lee appeasingly drinks the milk from the cup).  So she's not always clear about exactly how things work, but she is always trying to figure it out, which is really fun to watch.  

Eleanora.  Sweet Eleanora!  I have recently discovered the joys of a smiley baby!  Evie would always smile for me or a couple close others, but Eleanora is smiley much of the time and for strangers, too.  And her smile just seems to grow so big that I can almost hear it.  A lot of her fussiness seems to have subsided, and most days, most of the time she is happy.  She fusses still when she gets tired, and she has moments when she screams and cries really big (really big).  It would be scary to me if I didn't already have one child that did that even more.  I've read a lot about how important it is to not be afraid of your child's intense emotions, so I try to stay confident and calm that this is a normal expression for her and that I'm enough to handle it.  (Of course, I make sure there are no obvious signs of something wrong when this happens).  Usually she does this when she is overtired, which can happen easily, because, like her sister, she shows almost no signs of being tired when she is tired and I more or less have to watch the clock and watch her really carefully to make sure I don't miss something.  She seems to want to watch everything around her and interact with everyone and just not miss anything.

She's also having some of the same nursing issues that Evie did - she refuses to nurse sometimes, going long stretches without eating, and then she gets overtired and over hungry despite my attempts to avoid that.  But again, I'm trying to just relax about that since there is nothing I can do that I'm not already doing.  I can't force her to eat.  Also, she's a big baby.  Strangers are quick to tell me that.  And you know what?  I am proud of how big she is.  She may not stay that way for long, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.  She has wonderfully deep thigh roles, and and her belly is so smushy.  I love holding her when she's naked because she is so soft and warm and gushy.  However, she prefers to be held facing out (probably so as not to miss anything), which make me a little sad to not be able to cuddle her all the time.  It's funny to hold her and talk to someone because, inevitably, the moment will come when they dart their eyes back and forth to her trying hard to listen to me but ultimately give in to her cuteness and start ignoring me and talking and smiling with her.  She loves "talking" to people and makes lots of "ooh" and "ah" sounds and uses so many different facial expressions that it feels like you're really talking to someone.  She doesn't laugh out loud very much yet, but usually I can get her to do it in the mornings when I put her onesie over her head and play peek-a-boo.  For some reason she really likes that (when most babies hate having clothing put over their heads).  

Physically, she's starting to move around more and more.  She flails her arms a lot and kicks her legs and grabs things with her hands.  Unfortunately, she grabs her hair a lot, and since it's falling out right now, she also manages to swallow some because she sucks on her hands so much (poopy diapers are very telling).  She is trying to roll over but always just ends up on her side, not quite able to get past her arm on the floor.  When we put her on her belly, she likes to prop up on her arms for a bit and look up at us with a big smile.  If we "stand" her up so that she is pushing off of her legs, she gets a big, proud smile on her face.  She is just very fun to interact with.  We're lucky that she can be pretty chill a lot of the time. She'll just sit in her bouncy seat and watch us eat breakfast or sit and watch Evie play sometimes.  She seems to notice Evie more and more, and when Evie tries to play with her or interact with her, she smiles at her big sister.  I'm enjoying her more and more and still excited to see how she changes each week.

Me.  I have had ups and downs the past few weeks.  It was hard to come down from the holidays and having Gabe around so much to do everything with.  Reality set in fast and I realized how much I was on my own again.  It was also at the same time that Evie was having difficulty transitioning and Eleanora was going through a 3 month growth spurt (which made her more fussy and clingy), so there were moments during those weeks that I just thought, "I hate this right now."  I didn't hate either of my children, of course, but I hated many parts of my situation.  Like being alone with two children all day and no other adults; questioning my ability to meet their needs on a daily basis;  not having a clear routine for everyone (or interrupting Eleanora's developing routine to suit Evie's); and being mentally and physically exhausted from trying to figure out how to help them through their difficulties.  I know I'm not supposed to hate part of my day because I get to spend them with two beautiful children, but sometimes I do.  There, I said it.  And you know what else?  I don't like a lot of baby and toddler play.  Some things are fun to me, and in short amounts of time, but to do pretend play all day long or play dough for the umpteenth time is just a struggle for me.  I sincerely love watching Evie play and seeing Eleanora's responses when I play with her, but I don't always want to be an active participant in that.  I have tried from the beginning to guide Evie toward independent play, and she can be really good at it, but I think she felt less connection from me through the end of my pregnancy and especially since Eleanora came, and she tries to make up for it by always wanting to play with me.  So that is one of my main struggles right now - figuring out how to keep my connection with her and Eleanora and still have some semblance of space and accomplish tasks of my own during the day.

But if being a stay at home mom is work like other jobs are work, then it makes sense to not like every aspect of it.  It makes sense that it's really hard sometimes.  I think I sometimes subconsciously buy into the myth that being a stay at home mom is relaxing or easy, or constant days filled with joy.  And while there are probably more moments with this work that are joyful and special than with any other work I could do, most days I am looking at the clock at 2pm thinking, Holy crap, Gabe doesn't get home for 4 more hours and I feel like I am DONE.  How in the eff am I gonna get through the rest of the day?! But those are days that I also find myself trying to hard to do things a certain way.  Like trying to stay home to work around one nap or another, or not bending on the no TV rule, even when it might give me a small break, or expecting Evie to be fulfilled just with her little play room every day.  When I do play dates or go to La Leche League meetings, the day goes by faster, we all get to interact with others more, I usually find that my struggles are perfectly normal, and everyone is much happier.  I have to try to stop being such a purist about being able to make everything work perfectly well at home all day long.  It just doesn't for us, and that's okay.

Aside from those things, I really feel like this is a good time in my life.  I look at both of my daughters multiple times per day and think about how wonderful they are; I even get teary sometimes.  I have accepted that my body is not 100% back to normal yet (in many aspects), and really probably won't be until over a year.  Again, I know that's normal, but our society has this idea that 6 weeks should be enough.  I know better this time and I'm okay being patient since I've got so much to keep me occupied in the meantime. 

I don't usually write much about Gabe, but I have to say that sometimes I feel like I married a saint.  He is so wonderful with the girls and doesn't hesitate to engage with them from the minute he gets home until they go to sleep.  He doesn't get a break when he gets home, in fact, he offers me one instead.  And I'm almost embarrassed to say all of this because it makes me feel like I'm not doing very much, but Gabe does most of the cooking in our house.  After we put Evie to bed, I stay up nursing Eleanora to sleep and Gabe cooks for the next day and prepares Evie's lunch for school.  I always have meals ready for me for my lunches because of this.  And he does it without question.  I don't even remember how it started happening this way (it's been a long time that he's been doing this).  He must have just realized that I had my hands full nursing one child or another and thought someone had to cook, so he did.  (Plus, I don't know how to cook meat very well and he's picky about it good at it).  And for overnight parenting it gets even better.  Eleanora sleeps in our room and still wakes up a couple of times overnight to nurse.  So when she wakes up, he gets up and changes her and lays her next to me so I can feed her.  Then, most of the time, he'll get back up to put her back in the crib.  I don't have to get up the entire night.  (That last part is starting to change unless I wake him up, but really, I have no reason that I can't get up and walk five feet to put her back down.)  He'll also often be the one to get up with Evie in the mornings first while I sleep just a little longer, and he'll do the same when she gets up from her naps.  These things seem like what a real balance of responsibilities look like in a marriage since we are both full-time parents, but some other mothers I talk to sort of balk at me and can't believe my husband does all this.  I almost feel guilty, but I realize that the norm of the mother doing constant work while the father rests is still very predominant in our society.  After all, with my background in women's studies and feminism, I sort of expect that we would function a little more equally, but I also know that it's pretty rare.  I am so proud that our marriage does work this way and that it didn't come from me.

Okay, that's enough for now (as I'm sure you'll agree).  I am going to attempt to start writing shorter posts by blogging on my phone!  I downloaded the app; now I just have to try it.  Here's hoping...