Newborn Love

Before I had Eleanora I was worried that I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved Evie.  Everyone said it would just happen and I would be able to, but I really had some doubts, and that was a little scary.  But as soon as I held her and got to know her those first few days of her life, my whole view of both children changed.  Eleanora was this sweet, vulnerable, demanding baby who was her own person, even though she had so many similarities to Evie.  I felt comfortable with her immediately, and I fell in love with her quickly.  Evie had suddenly become so big to me, and for some reason I saw her differently physically - her eyes were so big; she was so solid, strong, and heavy to me, her skin was so beautiful, clear, and creamy; and her hair even seemed shinier and thicker to me.  I know these things didn't all change overnight, but it was strange how the act of having another baby made me see Evie as the older sibling that she was.  She was still definitely a toddler that needed me a lot, but her very survival didn't depend on me the same way it did for Eleanora.  Of course, Evie will always be my baby, and there is always something special and different about your first child, but I see now how there is room for love to grow in a family.

Soon I began to worry about the opposite problem - doting on the newborn and being annoyed with the older sibling.  I never like to have negative feelings toward Evie, but I guess in the same way that it was natural for her to "act out" a bit, it was natural for me to be a little irritated that she wasn't acting the way I knew she could.  And I also felt guilty that I was so involved in getting to know Eleanora and always gazing adoringly at her.  I knew to expect certain challenges with Evie adjusting to having a whole new person in our family - and one that took up a lot of attention from everyone.  Honestly, it hasn't been all that bad.  She tested us a lot in the beginning with any kinds of rules or boundaries, she resisted or skipped a few naps, she had a few more tantrums than normal, and she told me sometimes that she didn't like when I nursed Eleanora so much.  Some of the things she said were, "no, don't nurse her / pick her up," or my favorite (and I have no idea where she got this), "you need to put that baby girl down!"  I think the fact that Gabe was home for 2 weeks also threw her off, because when he went back to work she seemed to not understand why and acted out a bit more again.  But now, 3 weeks after Eleanora's birth, things seem to be gradually moving back into our normal routine, at least for Evie.  She goes to school each morning and naps well and even plays independently for parts of the day.  Gabe and I try to make sure to spend as much special one-on-one time with her as we can, although it can be hard to work that in sometimes.

As for Eleanora, she is similar in so many ways to Evie, but probably different in as many.  At first I thought she looked just like Evie, but now I'm starting to see her as pretty different.  She also had a little jaundice, so once that became more apparent she really looked different from Evie.  She has a lot of hair like Evie, but it has a different pattern.  Her skin tone seems a little darker, maybe with a little more red in it, especially in the face.  Her cry is different - she screams pretty easily and has an angry cry when she doesn't get what she wants soon, but when she calms down it turns into a really sweet sort of moan that is all her own.  She may have a bit more of a throaty/raspy voice, but it's hard to tell just from her cries.  She pulls on her hair, sort of like Evie did, but Evie did it more gently for comfort, and Eleanora grabs a hand full and pulls really hard and then can't figure out why she's so upset!  It's really hard to see her do that (and of course, we stop it when we see it).  They both had long chicken legs and a big belly and full face.  We'll see if Eleanora's body evens out the way Evie's did after a few months.  Eleanora is a little more easy to nurse because her signals are clearer, but she does cluster feed and look to nurse for comfort like Evie did.  I think I'm having a bit of an easier time because I am an experienced nurser now, though.  Eleanora has been a much better napper so far, but I thought I remembered Evie sleeping longer stretches at night by this time than Eleanora (who usually wakes after 2 hours, sometimes 3).  And Eleanora is a grunter; I don't think I've ever heard a baby grunt and snort quite so much. 

But the little things that make me love spending time with Eleanora in the stage she's in now are as follows:

1.  Puppy Sniffs - when I'm holding her near me and she's hungry, she starts breathing quickly like a little puppy dog panting in excitement.  I love the way it sounds and feels against my neck.  I love that she can express her anxiousness this way and that I can respond in kind, since there aren't all that many types of communication I can understand from her yet.

2.  Little Noises - Eleanora is a noisy little girl!  She makes so many sighs, grunts, and squeaks all the time.  Sometimes when she sleeps and is very comfortable, she'll sigh with every exhale.  Other times she'll make little "hmm" sounds with up and down intonations (and she might even do it back and forth with you if you mimic her, as Lee knows).  Evie did this, too.

3.  Grabby Girl - We've learned that Eleanora is very strong (just like Evie).  She does the normal finger grab thing that newborns do, but we've also noticed her grabbing onto other things, like her hair, or our shirts (my bra strap when she's hungry - smart girl!).  She'll also sort of squeeze the back of your arm or shoulder, and it feels like little hugs!

Grabbing Papa's shirt.

4.  SlowMo Baby - Even though she can be pretty fussy, she seems to have a fair amount of calm, content moments in which she just sits and stares.  She's so still sometimes that I do a double take and slow down, myself, to try to figure out what she's looking at.  Usually it's a light or something, but sometimes it seems to be nothing, but it's nice to just watch her be so calm and still.  She also moves her arms and hands around really slowly sometimes, as if she's mesmerized by her own movement.  I love how these things force you to take note of wondrous things that don't normally seem so wondrous.

5.  Grins and Half Smiles - I know it's said that babies don't really smile until 6 weeks, but newborns do little smiles in their sleep, and it gives us a glimpse into how they will look when they get a little older.  I've seen smiles from Eleanora since she was in the hospital - mostly the milk drunk kind that can either be a little half smile with eyes partly open or full on grin.  Once I even caught her "laughing."

First laugh.

Newborn smiles.

6.  Floppy Body - Although it can be uncomfortable trying to hold something so small and fragile that doesn't have any structure or doesn't seem to want to be held any particular way, I love the soft, warm heaviness of a newborn baby that just totally gives in to you and settles in to whatever nooks on your body they can find. 

7.  Head Bangs - She is so set on holding her head up, but can't do it for very long periods of time, so it inevitably bangs into my shoulder multiple times while I'm holding her.  I also love how close her head is to mine, and when she turns to look at me, our faces are practically touching and I see these huge round eyes looking back at me.  I can't help but smile and kiss her big, chubby cheeks.

I could go on and on, but she's already starting to change in the time it's taken me to write this (which is a lot of time, admittedly!).  I find myself looking forward to her being 6 months and older so that the more challenging and confusing times of having a small baby are out of the way.  But then I try to remember how quickly this time will go by.  I'm trying to live more in the moment in my life, and it's very hard because I'm a planner, and I like to have structure and control over situations.  But babies (and toddlers) remind you that you can't have those things all (or most of) the time.  And that's okay.  I'm doing better than just surviving this so far, and the more I try to soak in the loveliness of both of my children, the more I think I can stay afloat.