Surviving Motherhood

Okay, I don't have all that much to speak of yet, but so far it does feel like a survival game. This is my 2nd week at home by myself, and Evie is 2 weeks and 6 days old. It seems like she changes every day. One day she'll sleep a lot during the day and not cry very much, and other days, like today, she'll only be content being held by a human (that's me), and not just being held, but being held in a certain position and bounced and/or walked at the same time. There's no sitting allowed on her watch. So on days like today, I don't get more than about 2 minutes by myself, because if I try to put her down or stop moving while I'm holding her, she'll start crying and screaming as if she's being tortured. Now, I've never seen her do this with other people besides me and Gabe, and she's usually so content and peaceful in a crowd of people passing her around and she just sleeps most of the time, maybe glancing up a few times to check things out. People must wonder how I possibly could feel exhausted with such a good baby.

Then there is her constant need to nurse. I really don't mind nursing her, and in fact, I love the nurturing time alone with her and the ability to provide something she needs that ultimately creates peace for her, but sometimes she'll show nursing cues 5 minutes after I just fed her. All I can think is that if she does this all day, I'll literally be feeding her all day. Then I get scared that her stomach will blow up or something awful that was my fault. I'm only slowly learning to trust that babies know what they're doing, and they won't ask for something they don't want or need. I just have to remember that you can't over-feed a breastfed baby, and if I feed her as much as she's asking, and she really doesn't need it, she'll either resist me, or spit up, or figure out soon that she's eating too much. These things are so hard to trust as a first time parent.

On days like today, I don't just want to get through them, I want to enjoy them and enjoy my time with her while it lasts. And there are certainly many moments throughout the day I do enjoy, like hearing her squeaks and coos, holding her warm little bundle of a body, talking to her and watching her expressions as she listens, feeling her sleep on me...I could go on.

Right now I'm wearing her in my wrap as I write this. It's the 3rd time today I've had her in it, and I'm usually able to get a couple things done while she hangs out in it or usually sleeps. I even fell asleep myself with her in it, so we napped together for a little bit...

...After writing that last sentence, Evie started crying and the laptop fell on the ground, and now it's the next day and I forget what I was going to write after that. Oh well.