Oops.

So it's been over 2 years since my last blog, and I won't even attempt to capture what's happened since then because it feels like decades ago.

Here I am now, 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and one of the items on my maternity leave 'to do' list was to start blogging again. I honestly thought I'd have this kid by now and I might not really have time to do this, but for this week, at least, I need to occupy myself before I go crazy (at least any more than I already have). My Bradley Method instructor said over and over again that the average first pregnancy lasts 41 weeks and 1 day, and to get the "expiration date" out of our heads, and I wholeheartedly nodded along with her and even quoted this to others, thinking I would be totally okay going over my due date. But as my due date came and passed, I found that I had invested more in it than I thought. But honestly, it's not just the date that's so hard at this point, it's the discomfort - the effort it takes just to change positions or get up from a chair, to turn over in bed, to only lay on my side, to get dressed in something non-pajama-like, to figure out what to eat, to try to control my roller coaster of emotions, to ignore the daily stretch marks I'm now accruing...I could go on but won't. I sound like I only have complaints about this pregnancy when really I'm still amazed that it's going so well and that I have stayed as healthy as possible (well, almost) throughout. I think I actually exercised more in my third trimester than any other time, and usually I loved it. I even went to the gym to do aerobics classes (low-impact, of course) through last week, and I won't deny that the comments other people in the class made about me being a role model or hero stroked my ego a bit and urged me on. I also have new friends in the prenatal DVDs I've been doing - Summer Sanders and her sister-in-law and Kathy Smith and her team of pregos in their spandex unitards and scrunchy socks. I tried to make friends with Shiva Rhea and her yoganis, but that relationship didn't last very long. I hope that whatever I'm doing now will be so familiar to my baby that it will be her norm as she grows (except indulging in the occasional mint chip dazzler from Hagen Daaz and other sweet strays).

And Gabe, I am so lucky to have him (as if I needed reminding of that). He has been to every single doctor/midwife appointment throughout this pregnancy, and never even questioned going. He more or less took over the food realm from the time I had so many aversions in the beginning and didn't know what I'd be able to eat, to the second trimester, helping us both stay healthy when I finally could eat more, to the third trimester, gladly cooking most meals when I was too tired in the evenings (although that one wasn't very new). He's also been there through my few meltdowns (okay, maybe more than a few), whether they were over lunch that day or the horrible pregnancy pictures we attempted to take ourselves. He may have had a moment or two of blankly sitting there wondering why I was suddenly crying out of nowhere, but he always did and said everything he could to make me feel better. He's so excited about the baby and talks to her several times a day. I can't wait to see him be a father, and I am so lucky to have so much faith in the person who will be a partner with me in this.

I have no idea when this baby will finally come, but I do know things will change forever. As prepared as I usually think I am, I sometimes have a hard time imagining that one day I'll have a big belly, and the next I'll have a whole new human being living in our house, and very dependent on us and attached to us. Mostly I look forward to that, but it's a little scary at the same time.

I am so grateful for my maternity leave, as there are a few things I really need to sort out in my life. I'm not sure I'll continue working at the same place (if at all, for at least a little while). The more I've learned about breastfeeding and attachment parenting, the more I realize our society is really not set up to allow for that kind of intense, long-term parent-child interaction. I know women manage to breastfeed for a year and still work full-time, but it seems that so many obstacles are in the way. I never understood these things until I became pregnant. Ironically, I wrote my undergraduate honors thesis on the struggle working women feel to balance work and family, but I somehow thought that I wouldn't face that same struggle. I always assumed I'd work full-time for my whole life. But now - and maybe it's because I'm still pregnant - I'm seriously questioning that scenario. I'm not completely sure I have a choice in the matter, but it's certainly new for me to even imagine being a (gasp!) stay at home mom. I'm not sure I'd be able to justify doing that given all the time and money I spent on my education and the promise I made to dedicate myself to that work for the rest of my life. Yes, I know there are many ways to do that, and that my education has been invaluable to me in shaping my life regardless, but at the end of the day, I still have my dang student loans to pay off. I wish I had been bolder while Gabe and I were still DINKs (double income, no kids) and tried the radical strategies I conjured up in my head for paying off my students loans or any other house, car, etc. debt we had, for that matter. But too late now.

Okay, it's almost 1am, which is when I'm usually better able to go to bed after pretending from about 9pm - 11pm. We'll see if any magic happens tonight.