I'm 17 weeks pregnant now and finally starting to feel good again. Ironically, this is a week that should be hard on me and that I worried about being able to handle, but so far I've felt better than I have in a long time (even before I was pregnant this time).
Gabe is out of town this whole week because his dad is not doing very well and may well have some serious health issues going on, although we're still not sure exactly what they are. He is there along with Pete and Jess and soon James. I don't think this is like a last visit type of situation, but I think they all wanted to be there to help their mom with moral support and deal with some of the legal and medical issues that are coming up, and also see their dad while he was still feeling pretty good (relatively).
Of course, I didn't hesitate to tell Gabe to go and that we would be fine, and I completely meant it (although I wasn't sure how fine we would be). We had just come off of a week of me having thrown my back out and barely being able to stand or walk much for the whole week. I'm very slowly getting better, but I'm still angry that it happened over something so silly. I was working out to a pregnancy DVD (which I've done about 100 times), and I turned and bent over to put an 8 pound weight down on the couch, and my lower back just went out. I've never really known what "went out" meant until this happened. It was an undeniable sharp pain and it left me immediately in pain. I soon realized that every single thing you do is connected to your lower back. Even reaching for something nearby or flexing my foot would hurt for the first few days. I iced it a ton and rested in whatever positions were the least painful and watched Big Love on HBOgo and moped. I was just starting to feel a little better and get into the groove of good, regular exercise again, and this happened. Oh well. There was only so much I could do about it. I was very fortunate that Gabe stayed and worked from home a couple days to drive Evie back and forth to school, and I had 2 babysitters come over several times throughout the week. I felt pretty pathetic about it, but what's new?
So I was still getting used to just walking and standing for more than 10 minutes at a time when we decided Gabe would leave the next day. I knew I had to just pull it together and try my best. Somehow situations like this make it easier to focus on what you need to do and be stronger. I've actually had a really good week with Evie and nothing has seemed exceedingly hard. I only had a babysitter come once for a couple hours. I don't know if I'm just finally feeling the energy boost and positive mood swing that often happens during the 2nd trimester of pregnancy, or if this extra focus and work has been really good for me. I wonder sometimes if I contribute to my own sense of feeling drained because I can - Gabe is so wonderful about giving me breaks when he comes home or on the weekends and cooks most of our dinners (which are also lunches), and when I think about my attitude over the past several months, I wonder if it needed to be as bad as it was? I know I did feel awful much of that time and my energy was really low, but I wonder if I had to do more myself if it would have been better or worse for me. At any rate, I've really enjoyed Evie this week (even more than normal), and I've been very efficient and am doing things I've put off for a long time (like sitting here writing this while I'm getting my oil changed after a year). Evie has also slept through the night each night so far! This was already sort of in progress since my milk supply was decreasing and I was gently trying to lessen how much she nursed overnight (and at all), but she would still wake up once a night sometimes. Of course, I still wake up at least once and take a little while to go back to sleep, but it's not such a big deal anymore.
I've missed Gabe a lot, especially in the evenings and at night - it's been a few years since I've had my nights to myself. It's kind of nice in some ways, but also lonely. Evie has missed him a lot, too, but we Skype with him and his family each night for dinner.
At any rate, I'm just going to say it...I feel happy. I haven't felt like saying that for a while. I really think that the hormonal fluctuations during the childbearing years (if one is childbearing) can take a big toll on a woman. I noticed some differences with my skin when I got pregnant with Evie, and it stayed really dry after I had her and during the time I was breastfeeding, but I really don't remember my mood and energy being so bad for the first year afterward. I know there were a lot of other changes, though, like quitting work, learning to take care of an infant, starting grad school, etc. But once my cycle started coming back, things got worse. I wonder if it just takes lots of cycles for your hormones to re-regulate. I think I may have gotten pregnant shortly before that happened for me. No doctor has been able to tell me specifically whether hormones played a part in all my health issues the past year, but many have said it's likely or possible that they contributed in some way. I also know from my Maternal and Child Health class that it takes at least 2 years after childbirth for your body to get back to normal. That includes your uterus getting back to normal size and strength, your cycle fully starting again, and nutritional stores replenishing themselves. I didn't quite wait that long, but almost. I'm curious to see what happens after 2 years this time. At least if things go badly again after my cycle comes back, I'll know why and will have experienced it before. I'm seriously considering having my placenta encapsulated this time so I can "eat my placenta," which is supposed to help regulate hormones after birth (I think we're the only mammal that doesn't do this).
That's all for now. I'll have to do a separate post on my favorite things about Evie right now (I'm sure I can think of plenty!).
1 comment:
Wish I would have known you posted this!
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