Beginning of the End?

Tonight when I went to nurse Evie before putting her down for bed, she said "no," in her matter of fact, sure little way.  I was a little taken aback because she's only once ever declined a bedtime feeding, and she's been asking to nurse many times throughout the day lately.  It could mean nothing, or it could be the start of her self-weaning.  I never had a real plan for trying to wean her myself, but I didn't expect that she'd be nursing 5-7 times per day at nearly 18 months.  At one point, around mid-May, we were down to a pretty consistent pattern of 3 times per day.  That's also around the same time that I was staying home with her all day since my semester had ended, so maybe she started nursing more just because she knew she could.  She also hasn't been eating great since that time; she's been very picky and sometimes hardly eats anything during a meal (although she usually does well at dinner and eats decently for lunch).  I'm not sure if the two are related, but it makes sense that if she's nursing more, she would eat less (I think).  I'm curious to see what she does in the coming days.  I thought the bedtime nursing would be the one we held on to the longest, so I felt a little sad and rejected when she said "no," but I also didn't make a big deal about it because I know this is bound to happen sooner or later.

I've been loving our time together over the summer, especially now that I'm feeling better physically, and more like I belong in the normal world again.  I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with me, but between the antibiotics, the supplements, and the elimination diet (all over a period of more than 2 months), my symptoms have greatly decreased, and I feel much closer to normal than I did before.  I'm trying to let myself believe that I can stay this way, but I'm also terrified that whatever happened to me will happen again.  I've reintroduced most foods I was eliminating now, and I haven't noticed any significant difference with any of them.  Even though I seemed to be fine with dairy and gluten (minus my stomach not feeling so great), I am planning to exclude them from my regular diet since I'm not so sure that they're as healthy as I've previously believed.  I'll probably allow myself to have them for special occasions or when I travel since they're so hard to avoid during those times.  I'm also hoping that continuing to avoid them will help me keep off the weight I lost (probably just around 5 pounds).  I'll probably also incorporate many new foods I've tried or learned to appreciate a lot more (like quinoa, granola, brown rice, less sugar, and more fruits and veggies in general).

It's about the time of the year when we said we wanted to start trying for another baby again (yikes!).  I'm getting pretty excited, but I also feel like I've just gotten over the trauma of all the physical issues I've had problems with, and my eczema is likely to get worse again with another pregnancy.  I'm sort of prepared for that and I feel like I can handle it one more time, but after that I'm not sure.  I find myself constantly looking forward to when I'm in my 40s when I'll have older kids and be far away from the hormonal fluctuations and enormous responsibility and adaptation of childbearing years.  Not that I don't love many things about this time, but it can just be so taxing sometimes.  I'll also hopefully be focused on a career path by then (or not, but I at least won't feel like I'm in limbo like I do now).

I'm a little nervous about not having the focused time with Evie that I do now if we get pregnant soon.  I feel like I've gotten us into a great routine and worked through lots of challenges, and things run pretty smoothly for the most part.  She's a happy baby, and I love so many things about her.  She is talking so much now and repeats so many things we say (whether she understands them or not).  She can communicate most basic things she needs to (by naming objects and saying some words like "this," "under," "get it," "more," "go," "off," and lots more).  She can also name and identify all basic colors, food, shapes, and animals, and she's very interested in clothing now (naming articles of clothing, trying to take some off, saying which ones she likes, etc.).  She loves naming all her relatives (at quite random times of day and often for unknowable reasons) and she loves looking at pictures and videos.  I rearranged her play area so that she has a sort of reading nook, and she loves to sit in her chair that Grandma got her and pick out books to look through.  She knows what's on every page of every book and will tell you before you turn to that page (or she'll demand that you get to that part of the book).  She is also very active and loves climbing chairs and couches and anything else she can even remotely attempt (eek!), and she has become more creative with her dance moves (which I love watching and constantly crack up at).  She also loves to run back and forth saying "run, run, run!", to be chased, and to play hide and seek or peek-a-boo.  She's just a sweet, curious, lovable little girl, and I love her to death.

There is a family in the neighborhood we have befriended with a girl just about a month older than Evie, and we have play dates a few times a week with them.  Evie and Ava know they're friends and are learning to play together more each time we meet up.  It's usually just me and Evie going to their house, where Erin, the mom, and Ava are (they have a bigger play room).  It's nice to talk with her and feel validated about going through the same things.  Sometimes Gabe and Chris (Ava's dad) are there with us, too, and it's just really great to watch the girls together and talk about similar issues. They're very nice.  I've had one other play date with a new mom and her daughter we met at Gymboree, but I'm not sure how far that will go.  We have also been going to two different libraries for story time; it's free, and it gets Evie around a group of children her age (although most are a little older), and it's a nice bit of engagement that I'm not wholly responsible for.  We still go to Gymboree - now 2-3 times a week since they have open classes over the summer - and although Evie loves a lot of things about it and remembers the songs and activities when we're home, she seems to always want to do her own thing while we're there (and in many ways I love that about her).  She is definitely independent and doesn't feel pressure to do things like everyone else (although she definitely observes and does them - just in her own time and way).  Other than that, we spend time at home doing necessary things like eating, sleeping, cooking, and cleaning, and engaging things like painting, doing stickers, playing with toys, or playing in the water or on the slide outside, and of course we run errands and try to visit people every once in a while.

Since I'm going back to school very part-time in a few weeks (just one class), we've been trying to figure out what to do for childcare going forward since we won't have enough hours available for Debbie to nanny.  I've looked at three different preschools, and I was fairly set on the one on USF's campus since they allow us to just do 2 days per week (the others had a minimum of 3), but I'm still trying to work out some schedule issues and am not sure we'll do that.  I visited a Montessori school that I really loved and feel would be the bets fit for her, but it's the most expensive and my schedule would be difficult to juggle with the school's hours and location.  I am also meeting with a potential new nanny next week who might just watch Evie once per week, or if I take an online class we may not do childcare at all.  I'm kind of torn about it because I feel like she's getting to an age where she needs a little more consistent interaction with other children (and I could use the break!), but I also know that will come with more sicknesses, more anxiety at first as she adapts, and more money.  I know we'll eventually need to do this (I think), but I'm not sure I'm 100% ready yet.

The next few months will be interesting, regardless of what direction all of these things go.  Being pregnant again would feel surreal, and I can't even imagine having a newborn baby and Evie at the same time.  But these things happen all the time and I suppose people get used to them.

Okay, now time for some of my favorite things about Evie right now.  I love that when I ask her for Eskimo kisses, she 1) stops to slowly move her face toward mine and carefully rubs her nose against mine, and 2) calls them "Mexico" kisses.  I love how she climbs all over us and bounces up and down on us, giggling the whole time.  When she sees ordinary successes throughout the day, she loudly says, "Yay!" and reminds us to appreciate those things.  I love all 8 of her cute little teeth, especially when she smiles, and I love the slight gap between her front two teeth.  I love the way her little voice makes all her words have an upward intonation at the end (although on rough days this can be slightly irritating).  I love how she repeats anything we ask her to (and then remembers what those words refer to), like "octagon," "radiatorre," "horchata," "tapioca," and other words and whole phrases that I thought one-year-olds wouldn't be able to manage.  I love how she hugs me back and snuggles into me at night when I've finished nursing her and will usually kiss us if we ask her to (or sometimes just spontaneously).  I love how often she points to me or Gabe and proudly says "Mama" or "Papa" when we're in groups of other people.  I love how she whispers lots of words as if she's practicing them or saying them to herself before she says them out loud.  I love how she gives herself coy and charming looks in mirrors and smiles and laughs at herself.  I love how excited she is to see Gabe when he comes home from work or when she gets up in the morning on weekends and goes to find him after nursing.  I love being surprised by all of her verbal expressions that I later realize she gets from me or Gabe.  I love that she finally says "I love you" (or "wub you").