My Summer as a Stay At Home Mom

For some reason, I never thought I would be a stay at home mom (SAHM) growing up - I always knew I'd be a "working mom" and that was normal. I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM and I always thought it was kind of strange that my friends had SAHMs. But once I was pregnant with Evie (and considering the challenges that came before), I felt like she was the most important thing in my life and all I wanted to do was protect her and think about her (because you can't really do much else with a baby while you're still pregnant). I stopped caring if I didn't give 110% effort at work, and I didn't take on anything extra, and I didn't apologize for it. This was a huge change from my earlier years at my job during which I delved into every part of it, worked when I came home, volunteered to work all the events, and always tried to improve what I was doing. Those days were over, and it was a strange transition, but one I became increasingly comfortable with. Some of that had to do with the fact that several changes had taken place at work and it was quite the same place I walked in to several years ago.

At any rate, I decided that my time at that job would probably end soon, and if I had less scruples, I would have quit right after my maternity leave. But I felt I should stay and finish out the end of the school year and train the new person, so as not to ruin my legacy. Okay, that's a little lofty and presumptuous, but I would have left people high and dry if I left any sooner, not to mention the ethical issues of taking maternity leave and then leaving. Even though it was only a few months I had to get through, it was torture. And I was lucky enough to be able to work from home most of the time and have a nanny for Evie (because she wouldn't take the bottle after trying for 10 weeks!!). I felt like I was doing a sub-par job at both work and mothering.

I am so glad to just be focused on one thing now, although that will soon change. I decided to pursue my PhD in Applied Anthropology starting this fall. I had always intended to get my PhD, but I wanted more practical experience after my Master's, and I sure got it. What do I intend to do with such an important degree, you ask? Eh, I don't really know. Kind of. I have ideas, but the field is already obscure, and I never have the energy to explain everything. I usually just leave it at "consulting".

So I'm in the middle of almost 2 full months of being a SAHM. Well, and I have a little help from our nanny and Lee. We wanted Evie to continue to be used to the nanny's presence since she'll be with her longer when the fall starts. And Lee just likes coming to see her adorable niece, so I take advantage of that whenever I can (thanks, Tita Lee!). My days are not so bad in terms of routine. Evie usually has her "real" wake up at 8 or 8:30, so as long as she has a decent night and only gets up a couple times, then I feel pretty well rested. She greets me with huge smiles, and then I feed her, change her, and pick out any one of her cute little outfits and dress her. She mostly only wears onesies, but for kicks sometimes I add some shorts or pants and laugh because they make her look like a little girl (really little girl). I don't really do bows or accessories much though, unless its for special events or I know someone she's visiting will appreciate it. Then it's shower time for Mama. I'm happy to say I'm able to take a shower every morning and not cause her any stress. I put her in her bouncy seat (which I now have to strap her into because she can squirm out of it), and I put her Green Bear lovey on her lap, and face her towards the glass shower and hop in. Sometimes I make faces at her while I'm in there, but she's pretty good about entertaining herself during that time. Then I get out and when I dry my face and pull the towel down to say hi to her, she looks at me and squeals as if I've just done a magic trick. Hey, I'll take what I can get.

After I'm dressed (and she gets restless if I take too long for this part), we walk into the living room and "turn on the lights," which means I open the blinds since we don't have lights in that part of the house. Then I usually tell her to say good morning to her friends on her play mat, and I put her down on her back. She then immediately rolls onto her tummy. She still hasn't figured out how to roll back again, and she used to get frustrated soon after being on her tummy, but now she'll stay there for a little while and play or look up at me. I take this couple of minutes to make my breakfast (peanut butter and toast, maybe a banana, and decaf coffee if I'm feeling adventurous). After that, I play with her and help her with whatever developmental milestone she's working on. Right now she's starting to sit unassisted, she still likes to stand (assisted), and of course rolling. I play Pandora's Children's Folk Songs in the background and try not to play the music that her toys come with very much because I think it can be overstimulating.

After the mat I usually do some kind of free play or move her to the jumparoo. She has several play stations in the jumparoo, and although it took her a while, she now moves herself around to each one moving the attached toys around with her little fingers. She also usually tries to eat whatever she can reach with her mouth, but that's just something I've come to accept. She's just recently learned to really jump in the jumparoo too. Before she would kind of dance her toes around and forget to move her legs much, but today I think she did 2oo jumps in it. She just kept jumping and jumping and jumping. We had 2 foam mats under her because her feet didn't quite reach the ground going flat, but we've taken both away now and she just goes crazy in it now. She's also been doing this weird thing lately that I don't understand, but I call it the Elvis pelvis because she sticks her pelvis forward and leans back a little, and then she sucks her thumb and looks like she's leaning her head on her other bent arm (although she's probably playing with her hair). It makes me crack up every time she does it. She mostly does it in the jumparoo, but she's been doing the pelvis thing and leaning back even when we hold her or "stand" with her sometimes too. I'm curious to see what that turns into.

Play time can be harder than one would think. She lasts about 5 minutes before getting bored or frustrated with something (although she'll go longer in jumparoo now), and I have to think on my toes to come up with simple, creative games to entertain her or help her learn. I'm trying to relax about this a little and let her be more independent (without her getting upset), and she's going a little longer now without needing as much one-on-one interaction all the time. She loves watching people dance or make faces and hand movements, so that get us through some dull spots. We do walks outside sometimes, but it is SO HOT lately that I don't like to do it very much. As she winds down towards the end of a 2 hours awake time stretch, I usually hold her and dance with her to some of the mellow music. I like to take away all stimulation and just be with her and wait till she starts to cuddle (which means she's sleepy). Luckily (and with a lot of work), we're on a regular napping schedule - in the crib - and she usually goes down pretty easily, with a little help from the rain setting on Sleep Sheep. Then I have anywhere from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours (but usually around 45 minutes) to rest, eat, do laundry, wash and stuff diapers, clean, check email, go to the bathroom, etc. Sometimes I get frustrated if it's a short nap, but I try to brush that feeling aside because it doesn't help anyone.

We repeat this pattern about 4 times per day, and I make sure to leave the house at least once a day to take her somewhere. Usually we go to the mall or Target or somewhere I may already need to do errands and I throw her in my sling and walk around. She almost never cries or gets upset during this time, and she loves looking around at people and things. I love that I can rely on this. And I love that I don't need to use a stroller - lugging the car seat in and out of the car is bad enough!

I'm trying to mix it up more this summer while I can, and since the routine can get a bit stale. I took her to Mt. Dora on Wednesday to visit Grandma and Catie and Ellie, and that went really well. She slept almost the whole way both ways (a 2 hour drive). It took her a little time to get used to the new environment, but then she was fine. I visited a friend for breakfast on Friday and took her with me, and then we had a play date with one of Lee's friend's daughters in the afternoon. I'm trying to hook up with a couple more friends once or twice a week while I can. I like to keep her doing different things so she gets used to it. I hope to try story time at Barnes and Noble and a mommy and baby yoga class at a library soon. I also take her to doctor's appointments (which happen a lot because I space her shots), so that takes up some time. Before I know it, the summer will be over!

While this all seems relatively clean and simple when I put it all on paper, it rarely feels like it. Things have become more predictable, but there are still many times when I just can't figure out what's wrong with her or what she needs. Thankfully, she doesn't cry as badly as she did when she was really little, she just fusses and I feel like I can't fix what's wrong. But I think that's pretty normal. Especially since she's teething (but not cutting any teeth yet), and she can't seem to satiate her need to gum or chew everything.

On the good days I feel almost guilty, even though I wish for things to go as well as they do on those days, it's almost like once it happens, I worry that something is wrong. Is she sleeping too long? Is she okay being so content? She's not moving around as much as she did yesterday, does she have nerve damage from a vaccine? I know, that one's a little overboard, but these are my thoughts.

Some of my sweetest, most peaceful moments with her are while she's nursing after a nap, and she's still a little sleepy. I get to cradle her and feel her glorious baby weight, when at other times she doesn't like to be held that way. Usually, she's not anxious or frustrated, and we can just be. During these times, I know she is getting what she needs and I don't have to question what I might be doing wrong.

One thing that remains constant is that I love, love, love every second that I get to spend with her, even if it's hard. Knowing that I will be away from her more in the fall makes me cherish this gift of time with her all the more.